500 dead worms

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Bad day to be Kristi Noem. Worse day to be her dog.

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

“Why didn’t that Coldplay ceo affair couple just play it cool?”- that Coldplay ceo affair couple, probably

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

This is my first time watching a season of love island and I want a challenge that’s just them answering trivia

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Imagine what a good deal you can get on eclipse glasses right now

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

People who can’t pronounce Worcestershire sauce are morons and it’s not funny or quirky to say it wrong on purpose

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Every August for the last 8 years I’m taken by surprise by what I believe to be a blitzkrieg but what is actually Chicago Air and Water show practice. And I hate it!

[ana folklore ❤️‍🔥 @behindthemall13]

girls when they knew everything at 18 but nothing at 22

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Turned 27 yesterday so I’m biting the bullet and joining a sourdough starter support group on Facebook

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

the dumbest guy I work with just said the only podcast he listens to is Joe Rogan and that tells me everything I need to know

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Have you ever had a dream that was embarrassing and you’re like omg I’m so glad no one else saw that

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

If cleaning the inside of your ears with Q-tips is so bad, why did God make it feel so good?

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

I haven’t seen a movie in a theater since Knives Out in 2019 but I want to go wait in line for Barbie right now and it’s not out til July

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Again?!? What does it mean? Me late chocolate?!

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Am I having a stroke? What does any of this mean

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Do you ever start off an Uber ride with not putting on your seatbelt and midway through you’re experiencing their driving and really wishing you’d worn it but it’s too late they’ll see you put it on?

[miguel @itshemiii]

happy anniversary to this golden tweet

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Today I was one of the people crowding the valentines cards section at the grocery store and it felt very cute to see the 6 strangers looking for a card to tell someone they love them like I teared up.

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

I wish I was one of those dumb bitches worrying about their buccal fat instead I’m worrying about what happens to us when we die

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

professional football players are known for having their brains scrambled so it makes sense there’s so many running for office right now

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

@satans_bby_mama AE Black Fridays was my Camp Lejeune

[500 dead worms @slim_scheidy]

Mad respect for all the election judges. I used to work Black Friday at one of the American Eagles at the Mall of America so in a way I know exactly what they go through and it’s not easy!