smartass_moms

||MOM🌙|| MARRIED💍|| EMPATH🌿|| COMEDY🍕|| Sarcasm is my love language. New Englander 🐿️

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

So I’m at the grocery store, I check out. I’m walking to my car & feel someone hurriedly following me. I speed up, change directions, can still see a shadow. I finally turn around, IT’S MY HUSBAND. We separated at the store and I FORGOT about him 🤦🏼‍♀️ scared the sh*t out of myself.

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

Thanks to all the delicious biscoff dessert recipes all over TikTok for Thanksgiving, the shelves are empty. What about us boring girlies who just want a spoonful from the jar? How much longer do we need to suffer 😩

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

Just a girl who wants her husband to love sushi as much as she does and not eat it with a fork 🍣🍴

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

Okay fine, I’ll watch The Hangover again.

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

The feminine urge to curl in a ball on the couch with a cup of coffee & watch every single Robin Williams movie ever made.

[Living with Trauma & Dissociation @RhiaCrewe]

💜 Still learning this 💜

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

@JessShaut A morning party 🤣

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

Leftover sheet cake from your kid’s birthday party (straight outta the box) with a cup of coffee? Superior mom breakfast idc idc

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

I watched someone make a homemade strawberry pop tart 🍓on TikTok and I’ve never moaned so loud in my life.

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

All of the maturity leaving my body when I have to talk to my siblings 🎄

[krista @kristabellerina]

Banana bread is great and all but have you tried toasting it and slathering it in butter?

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

Mountain Dew

[Eric Alper 🎧 @ThatEricAlper]

You're a kid again and you've got a quarter. What are ya pickin'?

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

7 has been upset since yesterday because her teacher has a classroom elf and it has a sign posted next to him saying, “Behave, I’m watching you.” She’s paranoid that the elf followed her home.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

[Princess @themultiplemom]

I called out of work today. I need rest.

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

Nothing says, “I’m becoming an elder” like farting every time you run.

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

How do you describe the frustration of your kids bringing brand new stuff to school and losing it?

I’m just getting tired of it tbh.

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

“I love hot coffee with a side of spooky October wind.” -C. Churchill 🎃

[smartass_moms @smartass_moms]

In times of high traffic I often ask myself, what would Tom Cruise do?