Smegolas

six callers ahead of us, Jimmy

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

first tweet in almost a year goes out to @netflixusa_ why don’t we get access to @Sidemen documentary

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

s/o to my dad today for giving me so many baby mamas to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to

[LK @LKSherms]

please stop asking me if i have a 5 year plan i am literally still not convinced that i’m a real person

[iraorla 🍉 @orlacsm]

every day I think about this woman going on the Eric andre show and her thinking it was gonna be a normal talk show. She tried to sue him after this. The most unserious man to walk this earth.

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

all of Twitter’s “based on your likes” suggestions come from accounts for girls in their late 20’s realizing they have ADHD, anxiety, or depression. my doctors told me this years ago, Twitter. I don’t need your algorithm to solidify their diagnoses every time I check my timeline

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

it’s okay everyone, it turns out I’m just more of a 3 AM release girl than a midnights girl.

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

(insert comment about not liking more than half of midnights but not wanting to make taylor swift sad)

[alias @itsjustanx]

Reminder that Elizabeth Olsen is the most powerful Avenger on and off screen. #ScarletWitch

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

student: Miss Foster, someone wrote “shit” on the bathroom stall

me, without thinking: ohh so now we know how to sound out words??

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

haven’t laid out in about a year and a half (thank you, shingles) (yes I had shingles last summer) (yes im secretly 90 years old) but not even an hour in the sun with sunscreen & I can already feel the burn

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

my neighbors who share a wall with me have to think I’m a complete psychopath. one minute, I’m having a full blown conversation with myself. next I’m scream singing Celine Dion. then I’m yelling “you can’t hump me, I’m your mom” repeatedly at my horny dog.

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

I remember being really confused about existentialism when we learned about it in high school english, but it’s fine because now that I live in a constant existential crisis I completely understand it

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

question: why does my dog hide all her favorite toys under my body while I’m sleeping?
I’m not complaining. but it is a bit (very) uncomfy & if I move them she puts them right back. it’s cute so who knows if I’m even upset, I just need answers, please

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

@SmizySweetheart WHAT

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

@FerralSquirrel7 dm me for deets

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

@FerralSquirrel7 oh mother fucker, I meant to say “hump” not “love” lmaooooo

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

Thor Ragnarok will forever be the best Marvel movie of all time

[Smegolas @smegfoster]

the music video for Ironic by Alanis Morissette perfectly encapsulates what it’s like to live inside my body

[Ben Schwartz @rejectedjokes]

May all your 2022 dreams come true… even if you have to fake your own death and move to Tajikistan to make it happen.