Regina Phalange 🤷🏻‍♀️🐶

You’re just a virgin who can’t retweet. @DAVET800 made my magical header.

[bobby @bobby]

i recently found out i live 5 mins away from the jersey shore’s mike The Situation sorrentino and now i constantly see him driving around town in his lifted brown jeep gladiator. i just saw him leaving shoprite. what if we became friends. what if The Situation were my best friend

[Terri @terrip38]

My friend claims to love orange soda but more likely it’s a Crush.

[Benny 'Sea Bass' Rollins @citizenkawala]

I was told there would be bread at this circus.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

A Tweet so offensive, 3 terrorist organizations claim responsibility for it .

[Benny 'Sea Bass' Rollins @citizenkawala]

You look like a desperate loser when you try to control a narrative. Let whoever think whatever.

[chad @chasedbywasps]

Foster the people? Imagine dragons? yeah, buddy, any other chores I can help you out with? oh brother

[F. Scott Fitz Jesse (Johnny Utah edition) @FScottFitzJesse]

Goddamn, I could really use a rainy day right about now.

[Benny 'Sea Bass' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Men can be friends for months and not know each other's names.

[F. Scott Fitz Jesse (Johnny Utah edition) @FScottFitzJesse]

Sorry I can’t meet you at the bar. An ancient alien is dictating to me the One True Religion.

[Benny 'Sea Bass' Rollins @citizenkawala]

At night, I stick my head outside and I whisper "fuck you, spiders".

[ɢʀɛɛռ ɢօɖ @iGreenGod]

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…

[Noah @NoahKingJr]

Twitter is basically talking to yourself in public and occasionally someone nods.

[F. Scott Fitz Jesse (Johnny Utah edition) @FScottFitzJesse]

I have to blame my parents for how awesome I am.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

I didn’t imply you were evil, so don’t get your panties all in a pentagram.

[Call me Al @alrulz2009]

I’ve started watching episodes of the Price is Right and I have come to the conclusion that a solution for the hatred in this country can be found in this show. Everyone cheering on everyone regardless of race, gender or sexuality. I say we bring Drew Carey in for questioning.

[Horatio Quartzjixler @Quartzjixler]

The advice dispensed by the eponymous subject of the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler" is, at best, "no duh" guidance. But then he dies! I would've been pissed that the guy drank all of my booze and caused me to get caught up in a police investigation.

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

Good Morning
Guardians
Of The
Fictitious
Internet

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

You used to be able to go online and say "I don't like spaghetti" and move on with your day. Now you get to be lectured by some 15 year old coal miner in Istanbul why you're an idiot for not liking spaghetti

[Marcmywords @Marcmywords2]

I don’t need no stinking Bot Purge to lose Followers, I have a Draft Folder full of Tweets for that.

[Trey @treydayway]

I'm not sure why young people started calling horrible things "ass." Ass is amazing