Terri

Gen X latchkey kid. Caution: Bad jokes ahead.

[Terri @terrip38]

I inadvertently bought acetone-free nail polish remover which turns out to be a solid option if you want to make removing toenail polish a weeklong project.

[ScottW @jswtreeman]

* Cop arresting a sloth: “Don’t make any sudden moves”

Sloth:

[meghan @deloisivete]

Nobody make any sudden moves, I have to print something

[meghan @deloisivete]

Listen, you can't all be selling sourdough bread out of your homes, some of you have to remain sourdough-purchasers

[Sam Skoronski @SamSkoronski]

DATE: You look nothing like your profile pic.

SEA MONKEY: Yeah, about that . . .

[Abby Heugel @AbbyHasIssues]

Please arrive at your appointment 15 minutes early so you can fill out the same forms you filled out online and then be asked the same questions when the doctor actually sees you.

[Terri @terrip38]

I wish I wanted anything as much as the algorithm wants me to buy plans for a barndominium.

[Maddy 👗👟👒🍃☂️ @MadHatterMommy]

I feel like most people here can't talk without using gratuitous profanity.

[krista @kristabellerina]

I need a vacation to recover from my vacation.

[Terri @terrip38]

Saw a meme listing toxic traits of each generation and it says Gen X distrusts others, as if we’re gonna believe it.

[Alpha femme (kaleshi Freak Penne)😈 @nairs40]

Pressed the elevator button a second time to help it understand the urgency.

[Benny Boy @Camel_Crushin]

Twitter is cool because you can think someone is British for years, but it turns out they just have multiple personalities and live in Toledo, Ohio.

[𐌁𐌉Ᏽ 𐌕𐌉𐌌𐌉 @OrevaZSN]

Explaining to children that they shouldn't worry about a career because the world will be completely unlivable in 15 years and that death will be a sweet relief from living in a nuclear wasteland is probably the hardest part of working at Build-A-Bear.

[Cali @calidaysay]

Once upon a time, I had a savings account. Then concert tickets happened.

[ThexyBeatht_ @ThexyBeatht_2]

My kids referred to my ex bf as “butter knife”. Bc he wasn’t the sharpest

[femiiiiii. @femiiiszn]

not all of us were made to cook. some of us were made to have conversations with the person cooking.

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Microsoft Teams is not a dating app.

[Midnight Cowboy 🇺🇸 @cowboyjeffkent]

I was sort of flattered I was ID when checking out at the liquor store only to find out it was to see if I was eligible for a senior discount.

[‏ً @omgsidewalks]

me: i saw it on twitter lmao

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

[Avogadro’s House of Moles @schumoo]

Hmmm. Is that my knees or the floorboards creaking.

[Henry 3000 @Henry_3000]

You only truly have freedom of speech if you can afford a personal bodyguard.