Sofia Javed

Former cubicle bureaucrat. Future Trader Joe's associate. Sometimes, I make people laugh.

Comedian. Co-host of @danceofjoypod.

[Brian Schatz @brianschatz]

I’m not into black listing anyone from future work in their area of expertise but I do think it’s fair to want a whole new crop of foreign policy staffers in the next democratic administration. It’s not like the same 120 people are the only people who know anything.

[ABC 7 Chicago @ABC7Chicago]

A deceased rat and a handwritten note containing "derogatory statements" were found at a Chicago alderman's office on the city's North Side Sunday night, police said. https://t.co/dcBrHeDNIL

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

i'm a woman in my 40s. my algorithm:

- babies are starving in gaza
- mothers are getting deported
- EAT PROTEIN
- the downfall of democracy
- the rise of fascism
- EAT MORE PROTEIN
- women aren't people
- men will kill you
- HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT GREEK YOGURT AND COTTAGE CHEESE?!

[RISK! @RISKshow]

Invite your friends to the RISK! live show in DC, at Miracle Theater, on Sat. 6/7 at 8:00 pm. Stories by @sofjaved Heather Minter, Tori & 3 storytellers chosen from the audience. Hosted by @TheKevinAllison!

Get tickets: https://t.co/qDdmJAMoHq.

#DC #storytelling #risk

[RISK! @RISKshow]

DC! Haven't been to a RISK! live show yet? Join us on Sat. 6/7 at 8:00 pm in DC. Stories by @sofjaved Heather Minter, Tori & 3 storytellers chosen from the audience. Hosted by @TheKevinAllison!

Tickets: https://t.co/qDdmJAMWwY.

#DC #storytelling #risk

[RISK! @RISKshow]

Join us for the next RISK! live show in DC, at Miracle Theater, on Sat. 6/7 at 8:00 pm. Stories by @sofjaved Heather Minter, Tori & 3 storytellers chosen from the audience. Hosted by @TheKevinAllison!

Tickets: https://t.co/qDdmJAMoHq.

#ATL #storytelling #risk

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

Join me on Saturday, 6/7/25  at 8PM as I share a true story on @RISKshow live at @MiracleTheatreDC in Washington DC! There will be curated stories and a story slam! Tickets: https://t.co/zIAIWd2r6Y.

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

THEM: Sofia, you're SO FUNNY

ME: Thanks! When I was 16, my father died, and then an adult handed me our family's phonebook and told me to call everyone and tell them the news and invite them to the funeral.

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

@CoveredIllinois i'm trying to check the status of my medicaid application.

phone system doesn't recognize my d.o.b. and ss#. it asks for an 8-digit application number that begins with a T. my application number is 10 digits, no T.

can't get through to a human. please advise

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

@XfinitySupport @Xfinity

i am being overcharged, and i cannot connect with an agent by phone or by chat.

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

ME: I discussed it with some friends and then made a decision...

MY THERAPIST: are those friends white?

ME: ...yes

MY THERAPIST: for the record, I don't agree with them

[Alonso Gurmendi @Alonso_GD]

Tracking state reactions to the ICC Arrest Warrants against Netanyahu, Gallant, & Deif 🧵

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

#AbbottElementary #Abbottabad #SealTeamSix #PakistanZindabad

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

Sorry I'm late. I got held up at work...

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

If the 2028 event isn't called "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo"...

#olympics

[Jasmine El-Gamal @jasmineelgamal]

When I was 24, I served as a translator on the administrative review boards in Guantanamo Bay, where I tried to ensure fair/accurate depictions of detainees' stories.

The stories coming out of Sde Teiman remind of what I learned at GTMO.

Short 🧵

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

@Grubhub @Grubhub great. now please pay your people more so they don't have to do this:

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

@Grubhub i love you

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

@Grubhub @Grubhub for your birthday, please pay your workers well so they don't have to do this:

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

but @Grubhub do better. pay your workers well so they don't have to do this:

[Sofia Javed @sofjaved]

but @Grubhub do better. pay your workers well so they don't have to do this: