Simon Freitas

Half white

Artist

Cheese Enthusiast

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Gotta love when the toilet paper dispenser is loud. To me, it's the equivalent of sitting in the men's bathroom and screaming that you're taking a shit

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

When you're too tired to move, but not sleepy enough to pass out. UGH #FirstWorldProblems #Waaahhh #CallTheWambulance #TheNumberIsWhine_One_One

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

@facebook Hi Facebook,

I know what I can do. Just wanted you to share what I wish you could do.

Learn more.... well I don't have a link but you get the point

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Dear @Facebook,

I have a million dollar idea I will share with you via Twitter. After the first message, stop notifying that the group chat is blowing up.

Thanks Babe

Xoxo Gossip Girl

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

While unbuttoning my pants I see something fly off me. In my shame, I look down, suprised to see the button is still holding on. #FatPeopleProbs #WhatFlewOffMe

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Found out why I am sick, and the doctor's analysis was, and I quote:

"Your lungs are pissed at you right now"

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

@WoaThatsIntense I now know, never 🐶

[SAINT @rene0125_]

Y’all can’t change my mind on this

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Average Day in the Life of Simon:

One day your getting yelled at and hit by a theatre person going through a monologue. Two days later they add you on Facebook and you find out that you were right, you didn't know who they were.

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

I can't fucking do this anymore......

The new @Snapchat update suuuuuucks

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Story of my life:

Walk up to bus stop, sees next bus is in 8 minutes.

Go to a different bus stop to catch the next one

Then (straight outta spongebob) the bus I need goes right by.....

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

That moment when your mom calls you and then immediately puts you on hold for 5 minutes

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

First Bob's Burgers, then It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, now Family Guy.

@netflix if you take Archer off I'm ending our relationship cold turkey

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Conspiracy theory: "Show and Tell" was the kindergarten version of an in class presentation

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

21 year old friends getting engaged: This is such a great idea! I love ____! Luv U 4ever! 4 EV-ER!

Me:
(On the lookout for the next two years for the explosive breakup post)

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Woke up wondering why I'm in so much pain. 3 hours later remembered that I drunkenly flipped over and fell down the stairwell last night #KillingIt

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

Vagiants

[Simon Freitas @spf_2000]

@Snappling @BeccaGodzik GOOD