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Today was my lucky day! I found a kite on the side of the road! It is orange, diamond shaped, and it says, “Right Lane Closed Ahead.”

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Have you ever had a day where every little thing got on your nerves and something just kept bugging you and you had a feeling something was wrong only to get home and realize your underwear was on backwards the whole time? Yea, me neither.

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What is the big deal about a bank buying Whataburger? I buy Whataburger at least 10 times a week, and that doesn’t make the news.

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If Schwarzenegger officiates JJ Watt’s and Kealia Ohai’s wedding, it must start with, “Everybody get to the Chapel!”

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I bought a gas generator to charge my electric car.

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I like tape more than staples because staples get caught on things. So I am making a Tapeler - it staples using staples made of tape!!!

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When you think about it, aren't all markers dry erase markers?

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I went to an interview for a computer programming position, and the guy asked, "What languages do you know?" I said, "Just English."

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I am going to make a ceiling for my cube, call it my office, and install sound deadening material like dynamat - finally some privacy.

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Would it be wrong to turn my cubicle into a convenience store?

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I am a square (me^2) in a world of cubes (cubicle^3). I just don't belong. I need to be with other squares!!!!

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I realized that solving Rubik's cube is actually the solution to finding your way out of a cubicle. It was made to prepare us for the future

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Saturday morning cartoons? Nope when you grow up you get to trade it in for a Saturday morning cubicle!

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If I were paid by mouse clicks, I'd be able to retire - today!

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I figured out working a cubicle is meant to prepare me for spending eternity in a casket. Drab, padded walls, feeling of suffocation...

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Conan should wear a prosthetic chin today, then do the entire show impersonating Leno.

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If a snowman threw a snowball, is that the same as a monkey flinging poo?

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I am filming a new pilot for Discovery Channel. It's called Nerdiest Jobs, but Mike Rowe will still host it.

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I am going to hire someone to do my job. I will give him 40% and I'll keep 60%. I help the unemployment rate and get paid for nothing.

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Are there any screen display settings that will make you go blind? If so, then I just found my ticket to early retirement!!!