Squish

publicity tweets from a sketch team at @packtheater as well as administrative updates from Fingerdale High School and Fingerdale City Hall

[Squish @squishcomedy]

@Saraisnotfamous Beep beep!
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

If you don’t want Downton Abbey spoilers, then stay the hell out of Fingerdale City Hall next week.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

@Saraisnotfamous Aw buddy no

[Squish @squishcomedy]

I know it’s Saturday and nobody is working in Fingerdale City Hall, but if anyone is nearby, I accidentally locked myself in the secret basement teacup ride last night and could really use a hand getting out. I’m almost out of water.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[The Pack Theater @PackTheater]

Hey Squishy Squishy!! That's right everyone! Sunday Night is Sketch Night - and we got @squishcomedy coming to the stage at 8pm!
Bring Your Own Paper Towels.
#onlyatthepack

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Moving forward all renditions of the national anthem performed in Fingerdale must be done in the style of traditional Tuvan throat singing.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Hey @VoyageLAmag why haven’t you interviewed me, the Mayor of Fingerdale, yet? Seems like I would be a good get. I await your email.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Fingerdale High School Cafeteria Update:
The sponges are for cleaning, not eating. Please stop eating our sponges.

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Just a friendly reminder that everyone in Fingerdale should be at work right now. If I get to Golden Corral and it’s closed, we’re going to have problems.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Labor Day in Fingerdale is being moved up to Tuesday, August 27th due to scheduling conflicts.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

@andrea_ml @KelseyFGold They’re manufactured with pride right here in Fingerdale, and made from actual human teeth!
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Fingerdale High School Cafeteria Update:
Next week, all students will be required to recite a lyric from the new Tool album, Fear Inoculum, prior to purchasing their lunch. Please have the lyric picked out BEFORE reaching the front of the line.

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Effective immediately, Fingerdale’s official town bird is my cat, Mittens 🐈
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Excited to report that after a protracted battle in Fingerdale Superior Court, trains now have all the same legal rights as people! We did it!
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Just to avoid any further confusion here in Fingerdale City Hall:
The new trailer for the Joker movie *is* based on my life.
The actual Joker movie *is not* based on my life.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

@haymakercomedy Okay!
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

I know what you mean. I was elected the mayor of Fingerdale based largely on my close, personal association with the grim reaper. He was a huge help at fundraising events like the one you described.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Haymaker @haymakercomedy]

Hey @squishcomedy have you ever been at a party and realized that even though you know everyone there, and they are all your friends, it just feels like the grim reaper is waiting for you? Like I hate the phrase to "kill time" like we are all racing for the grave anyway.

[Squish @squishcomedy]

@haymakercomedy The grim reaper often waits for me at parties, in exactly the manner you described, because we are close personal friends. I invite him to fundraising parties, in particular. He’s a hoot.

[Squish @squishcomedy]

@haymakercomedy This twitter account is run by the mayor of Fingerdale with occasional administrative updates from Fingerdale High School Cafeteria

[Squish @squishcomedy]

In light of Andrew Luck’s surprising retirement I would just like to remind the @Colts that, even after all these years behind the mayor’s desk in Fingerdale City Hall, I still have an absolute cannon arm.
Thanks,
#TheMayor

[Squish @squishcomedy]

Labor Day in Fingerdale is being moved up to Tuesday, August 27th due to scheduling conflicts.
Thanks,
#TheMayor