Stalker Brian

Changing the world...one restraining order at a time.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@LanceZierlein I don’t know if there are any single chicks lurking in the comments, but I’m at Gosling and 99 and looking to lay pipe

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@BigTuna97 @JJWatt

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@BigTuna97 Amen, Big Tuna

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@NickBrownCO @KirkHerbstreit It’s an impressive weenie!

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@KirkHerbstreit That’s a nice set on the little fella

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@olejpf Where does one find these e-girls?

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

In honor of Pee-Wee Herman’s passing, I just want you guys to know that today I’ll be refraining from mentioning his arrest for masturbating in a porno theater

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

10am on Westheimer is starting to look an awful lot like midnight on Bissonnet

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

“I’d come back if you’d just call” is a song lyric that I didn’t need to fucking hear tonight.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@Moe7688 This sounds like a shitty life hack

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

This is just a really old volleyball.

[Sophia Gad-Nasr @Astropartigirl]

I finally got around to processing this amazing view of Europa, taken by @NASAJuno on September 29, 2022!! It's one of my favorite moons in the solar system for its giant body of water beneath its icy crust that could host life. What a beautiful world.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

I had a real fat moment today when I had to lift my leg over a desk to prove that I wasn’t trying to sneak in a cheat sheet for a test.

It took three tries to get my leg over the desk.

Then I let out a little toot.

I laughed. The lady behind the desk did not.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

@Cortez3Jesse Yeah, you gotta fill up that wall. It’s looking a little bare.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

First Queen Elizabeth passed away.

Now I just found out that Florida Georgia Line broke up.

When it rains, it pours

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

Well, I guess that’s one way for us to stop talking about Prince William’s pegging fetish.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

I had to work at a retirement home today.

Most of the residents were in a presentation on 15th century explorers.

Must be nice for some of them to see their old friends again.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

Unnecessary company-wide emails are the reason that you guys will probably see me on Dateline one day.

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

I’m not a pervert, but is there anything more satisfying than a car wash with a hot wax?

[Stalker Brian @stalkerbrian]

Used a gift card at work to go balls out on a waffle maker.

Peak adulthood