Jared Stern

"time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana" - Groucho Marx

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Her: Don't eat all of the popcorn before the movie even starts.

Me: [In Batman's voice] That's up to the movie.

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

So I guess this twitter thing is still around.

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

@LADWP power outage 90016

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

A lot can happen in a year

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Fist Fight is the opposite of Ferris Bueller's Day Off

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Ever do laundry but dont put it away for a week and even though you know they’re clean they feel dirty so you wash them again yea me neither

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

A lot can happen in two years

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Cracked pepper makes anything seem fancy

[Team G.I. Robot @TeamGIrobot]

I'm a:
⚬ Bitch
⚬ Lover
⚬ Child
⚬ Mother
⚬ Sinner
⚬ Saint
🔘 All of the above

Do I feel ashamed?
⚬ Yes
🔘 No

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

You are until you're not, and then you will be forever

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

[Inventing passive aggression]

Skeptics: But how will they know?

Inventor: Oh... they'll know.

[Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson]

If you think you look old in a Photo you just took, consider instead that you will never again be that young.

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

@McDonalds so... there's a man pleasuring himself for he entire drive thru line. Called your store 5 times. No response. Suggestions? lol

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Got a couple breaking up at my bar right now. Gonna ask if they would like the check split

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Anyone notice that in the new @normmacdonald special, his feet never move. Not once. Comedy was great, but I worry about his circulation

[Neil deGrasse Tyson @neiltyson]

Show me a Nation with a science-hostile government, and I'll show you a society with failing health, wealth, & security.

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Watch @LindseyGrahamSC townhall on mute. He looks like the 3rd understudy for a Community Theatre's production of The Music Man

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: My life? Slip away? Why yes, yes I am

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Days since I called a woman sir: 0

[Jared Stern @sternanigans]

Oh I'm no going to be moving