Marty Stutts

Cake enthusiast.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

Maybe I like writing bad tweets, you don't know.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@believeqd Wow, I've never seen such smooth pavements before! But, the whole sunshine, palm trees and beach thing looks terrible. Who'd want to live there? 😂

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

Correlation is not necessarily causation, but there does seem to be a direct link between how drunk I am and how many posts I make.

[💦Slippery Secret💦 @SlipperySecret]

Any room can be a panic room if you have anxiety.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

People be posting pictures of their teenager's birthdays, and I'm over here like, that can't be right, that's how old you were when I last saw you... and surely that was only five years ago. #depressing

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

Do Scooby and Scrappy use regular human toilets, or does Shaggy have to pick up after them?

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@John_L_Harmon Start an only fans account and then write a book about it!

And stop buying cookies, it's a waste of money - I steal them all! 😄

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@John_L_Harmon There must be a lot of them hiding out in my house, and they're always going after the sweet treats! Pesky otherworldly gluttons!

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

Now, I'm not saying that I ate an entire chocolate orange on my own, and I'm not saying that I didn't. All I'm saying is that an entire chocolate orange was eaten, and nobody else is here.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@John_L_Harmon Oh crumbs! Oh well, I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Sorry. I'll see myself out.

I understand if you block me.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@believeqd This is why I love my noise cancelling headphones when flying - my stress levels are noticeably lower!

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@John_L_Harmon It's fine, I stole all your cookies while you were distracted!

Bwahaha!

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@John_L_Harmon This is not making me feel any better! Yet another of life's little essentials being denied to me due to the unfair and poorly run lottery.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

So, I didn't win the lottery last night. I'm still in shock if I'm honest. I guess I'm going to have to go to work with the other peasants again today. Outrageous!

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

The photo booth at the supermarket was out of order. It obviously had some kind of old person filter on it.

In unrelated news, the supermarket is now out of moisturiser and hair dye.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

In case you were wondering, I'm "I just hurt my back doing laundry" years old.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@John_L_Harmon Especially as we have now crossed the boundary into a new hour, so it's expecting another 250 steps from me. This fitness stuff is hard work! 😂

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

I love it when I walk into the kitchen for yet another snack and my smartwatch congratulates me on meeting my hourly step count.

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

It's 10:30pm on a Saturday night, I've had a couple of drinks, and obviously I'm about to party*

*go to bed

[Marty Stutts @stoomters]

@thoughtsRseeds @Zen_Moments If you keep searching for the diamond you will never realize that your Buddha nature is the dirt.