Liam Streff

There won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

[Triumph® ᴛʜᴇ ɪɴsᴜʟᴛ ᴄᴏᴍɪᴄ ᴅᴏɢ™ Headquarters💩 @TriumphICDHQ]

As the New Year lands, KNOW YOUR 2024 with these Let's Make A Poop classic moments from the Year that Shouldn't Have #letsmakeapoop

[Alec Sulkin @thesulk]

Believe me when I say your year does not require a recap.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

At this point a new year feels a bit risky, what about getting a certified pre-owned year?

[Mark Cuban @mcuban]

You first

[Alec Sulkin @thesulk]

Big day for the word “welp”.

[Last Week Tonight @LastWeekTonight]

We will pay the U.S. government $701 a year to play this at naturalization ceremonies.

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

[Shooter McGavin @ShooterMcGavin]

This Caddyshack gopher baby costume is A+ creativity

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

[Dooner 🇺🇸 @TimothyDooner]

Holy sh*t, never realized how much Freebird needed bagpipes

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.

[The Daily Show @TheDailyShow]

Never give up on your dreams… unless literally every single person on earth is telling you to

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Our Front Page:

[The Daily Show @TheDailyShow]

The DNC has announced its convention themes:

MONDAY: Joe Biden Can Do 100 Pushups In 15 Minutes

TUESDAY: Slideshow Of Joe Biden Wearing Aviators Between 2008 And 2013

WEDNESDAY: Obama Killed Bin Laden And Biden Was In The Photo

THURSDAY: What If We Give Everyone Ice Cream

[Ben Carlson @awealthofcs]

After my mortgage payment, 401k/529/IRA contributions, my annual 6 week vacation to Europe, private school for the kids, 2nd home in the Hamptons, a handful of angel investments and country club membership I basically live paycheck-to-paycheck

This economy is the worst

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Mothers Day:
Here are flowers and breakfast in bed, don’t lift a finger, it’s your day!

Father’s Day:
We thought it would be fun if you grilled everyone dinner, also here is a Home Depot gift card so you can finally hang those shelves.

[Haley Streff @hstreff1025]

Honored to be invited and discuss the nuances of inpatient genetic testing stewardship. Thank you @SCHPLUGS!

[The Tonight Show @FallonTonight]

Trump fought the law and the law won.

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Bankrupt Red Lobster Runs All-You-Can-Grab Copper Wiring Promotion https://t.co/A1nHDmAgKh

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Only a matter of time before my electric bill asks me to select a tip amount.