Stuart Newport

Car dealership owner, stand-up comedian, bass player, goalkeeper and Bristol City FC supporter.

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

GKs are often forgotten about but worse than that, it seems female goalkeepers are treated as though they don’t even exist. We need to inspire the next generation & allowing girls & boys alike to wear the shirt of @maryearps027 @ellieroebuck & @hannahhampton_ will help do that.

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

Stand with us in support of Mary Earps and all female goalkeepers around the world! https://t.co/T8RsbEETbT via @UKChange

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

And so it proved…

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

Boris Johnson foreign secretary?!

I wouldn't trust him to serve the Ferrero Rocher at the ambassadors reception.

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

“I’ll have long hair please.”

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

It comes to something when the tagline from a Network Rail information campaign is a better movie title than one from an actual film. #OperationMincemeat @networkrail

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@AndyCSP Magic

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@AndyCSP I promised my better half that I’d take her away this weekend if I had a good Cheltenham. Got the excuses in already, mainly about weather. Literally now having to fulfill that off the back of Chambard and Chambard alone. Cheers 🥂

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@AndyCSP Cheers Andy, fantastic tips as ever. Great call on Brazil, certainly made up for the Telmesomethinggirl disappointment. 🍻

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@markcosgrave81 @CarrieCosgrave @JustineBathLife 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

Disappointed to find it wasn’t a gothic staircase.

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@BritishGasHelp Many thank Hamif, DM sent

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@BritishGasHelp you agreed to remove a wrongly placed missed payment marker on my Experian account but after two further follow up calls it is still there 2 months on. Please sort this today as it’s affecting my ability to get credit.

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

Saw this and the only thing I can think is that they missed a trick by not calling it OnlyFlans.

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@BS3Rob 😂😂😂😂

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@MrRoryReid I did exactly this and the solution was asking a neighbour who kindly dropped them round. I was only slightly put off by him saying “No worries, I only use them for my balls anyway” as he handed them over 😂

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@markcosgrave81 @rickygervais @JustineBathLife @CarrieCosgrave I’m never going to get over this

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

@markcosgrave81 @rickygervais @JustineBathLife @CarrieCosgrave 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

Most of us can only dream about being good looking enough to qualify for their own special bell at the doctors. #covidchristmas

[Stuart Newport @stueynewey]

Whenever I stack the pasta bowls in the dishwasher, it always reminds me of a bunch of Handmaids queuing for vegetables or death.