ди·dee | 23 | they/them | adhd&bpd | улетать только если к морю | they have a cave troll™ | my pain isn't cool enough | wow, genetic | want love and sunny days
having this innate belief that no one could possibly truly Actually like me or be interested in me much less than Want me. a reality where u 100% believe u are ugly & unlovable & just Undesirable where any sort of interest draws out Fear bc how could anyone possibly like Me
i fantasize about people noticing how much i suffer and worrying about md but the second it actually happens i panic because i dont want to be a burden and it makes me uncomfortable
How many dreams that I made as a child do I have to break to truly understand why all of this is hopeless
Why do I even have to stop believing in things I did as a younger self in order to grow up into something older, something worse
I’m rotting, decaying, constantly suffering
No I’m not crying, IM FUCKING BREAKING DOWN SILENTLY IN MY ROOM STARING AT THE CEILING WISHING THAT I WOULD BE DEAD BECAUSE I KNOW THAT TOMORROW WILL BE EVEN WORSE THAN TODAY AND NO I CANNOT RETURN TO FUCKING BETTER DAYS BECAUSE THEY NEVER WAS “BETTER” AND ALL OF THIS IS hopeless