Tally

Sports. Politics. Things only I find funny. Not necessarily in that order.

[kait 🐈‍⬛🌙 @detroitkait]

my teams don’t win enough for me to lie about my love for them

[Kafka, Esq. 🧌 @metalgearobama]

“Have you seen” yes. Yes I have. I am on the internet constantly like everyone else. I have seen it. My screen time has been 8 hours a day every year since like 2007. It’s not good. I have seen it. We don’t need to talk about internet shit. How are your kids

[Tally @tallykat13]

Woo damn pig

[Just Baseball @JustBB_Media]

Pitchers in MLB history to achieve the folllowing in their first 19 career games, including the postseason:

25+ IP
5 or fewer runs allowed
12+ K/9

Hagen Smith. End of list 🤯

[Aaron @aaroncabrera_]

Cameron Skattebo when JJ McCarthy looks like Jaxon Dart but doesn’t smell like Jaxon Dart

[Lynne @_ayandamay]

There is a dangerous little window after I complete one task where I could either become unstoppable or look at my phone.

[A 🌸 @AThinksAloud]

If you had told me when I was in high school in the 1990s that someday the lead singer of Jars of Clay would say “I’m no longer sure who God is” and the lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins would say “Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior” I would have spit out my Slim Fast and stained my flannel shirt

[Cartoons Hate Her! @CartoonsHateHer]

For the record I spent like an hour explaining the KN95 lesbian bar story to my husband last night and I briefly was going to explain the side character of the crushed velvet hijab person but realized his brain might completely short circuit so I left them out

[Elvia Limón @elvialimon]

I need to log off. I immediately understood all of the references here.

[noah @nowalch]

you have to mute-proof your ads idiot. there is zero visual indication until the last three seconds that this is a tx-sen ad. without sound, it looks more like a guy who just kidnapped you telling you how much he loves pedophiles

[tanya @Tanya_Sabrinaaa]

me: there's two wolves inside of me

kash patel: you're hired

[☠🤍𝖌𝖍𝖔𝖘𝖙🖤👻 @ghostprxncess]

So twitter was mad at Lady Gaga for using a surrogate and saying she should have adopted.

.... Now they're mad at Millie Bobby Brown for adopting because she should have birthed her own kids

But JUST last week they were mad at Ciara for her 5th pregnancy

Annie are you okay?

[Simon Holland @simoncholland]

Sorry if I seem sad, I got a new long sleeve shirt for fall but I haven’t been able to wear it yet because it’s 94°.

[send help @himitsunobarade]

Dear Americans, this week's compromised type of FOOD is *spins the wheel* ICE CREAM that has been contaminated with *spins the wheel* STONES

[Jerry (gator bait) Chacon @chaconkie]

The ibuprofen entering my body, not knowing where the fuck to start:

[World's Dopest Honkey @WeldinMF]

Wife: Did you hear that noise?

Me remembering the Dr. Pepper I put in the freezer to cool down real fast 6 hours ago

[Tally @tallykat13]

This has given me answers to questions I never thought to have, and questions for answers I absolutely do NOT want....

[Aaron Rupar @atrupar]

PATEL: The previous regulation automatically disqualified any individual who participated in either side of it

KENNEDY: Either side of beastiality? So you disqualified the animal?

PATEL: Well, we have great canines, but we're not going to disqualify them

KENNEDY: I'm trying to understand why you did this. Why did you get into beastiality?

[miya @miyarah_]

como me siento cuando estoy en un sitio con mucha gente que no conozco

[Sydney Battle @SydneyBattle]

the witch at spirit halloween waiting for me to step on her mat

[Sarah Kendzior @sarahkendzior]

Good news: I finally know the song that’s been stuck in my head for 35 years, of which I could only remember a vague melody and three words.
Bad news: It’s this song: