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@adjoro @AndrewFeinberg “Here, take my gun and shoot the child.”

”Okay, but couldn’t I just shoot you?”

*thinking hard* “You know what? Just give me back the gun.”

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@BillSimmons Unbelievably funny that this is ruining your daughter's 21st birthday.

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@TheCousinSal I'm honestly angry. The Pats are such frauds this doesn't even feel like a real Super Bowl. Can the Seahawks play somebody next week?

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@BillSimmons Spygate (NFL) - Wikipedia

"Because the tapes were immediately smashed (...) the size and scope of Spygate remains largely unknown."

"Specter reported that Goodell told him that Belichick had been engaged in the practice since he became head coach of the Patriots in 2000."

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@TheCousinSal I don't think that there can be any clearer sign that God wants you to stop gambling.

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@BillSimmons If Die Hard isn't a Xmas movie, then you should be able to explain what could be changed or added to make it a Xmas movie. But you can't do that. So it's a Xmas movie.

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@couldbexav Everything I know about Bill Simmons from the almost 25 years I've followed him leads me to believe he is 100% not okay with this.

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@TheCousinSal lol

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@BillSimmons Bill has to eventually realize that saying Drake Maye is good won't magically make him good.

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@RightWingCope That picture is supposed to make me dislike him?

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@hello__caitlin “We’re in the Pearl District.”

Me: Oh . . . yeah, sorry about that, man.

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@_paidsb Literally just toss everything in there and leave it in god’s hands.

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@BillSimmons Isn't there like a negative correlation between success during the preseason and success during the season?

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@BillSimmons @TheRewatchables @KyleBrandt Am I crazy or does Bill not know that Dick is a nickname for Richard?

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@urbanmyths @Mayham_H They reveal he actually died from the fall and the whole show took place in his mind during the time it took for him to hit the ground.

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@The_Norvegicus @CantEverDie Eat the celery with some cream cheese or peanut butter and also use the cream cheese to eat the occasional bagel and then make a peanut butter sandwich if you're hungry.

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@ToastMiser @user_101524 @begatbanq @chismosavirus Brain surgeon at home making a sandwich while his wife nags at him "Hey, you know you could just DoorDash something and use this time to do more brain surgeries. Rent's due in a few days."

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@LucifersTweetz It's on tape, Lucifer.

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@vanderrwaals People are also assuming that these women are unsure of his sexuality. Sure, he hasn't come out and said that he's gay, but it's entirely possible these women were having lunch with him and his boyfriend earlier that day.

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@dmr1619 @OrganizerMemes That's cool, man. Can we see the list? Or are your boys still hiding it for . . . reasons?

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@Evalore13 The only reason I've heard of this guy is because I saw something saying that Lorde's new album entered the charts at #2, and I thought, "She's really popular, right? What bigger album is out there now?" Don't think I've ever even seen the dude's name before that.