K

By day, I am nobody. But when the sun goes down, and evil lurks on every corner... when the world needs a hero... that's when I become... tired. And go to bed.

[K @theactualfuc]

The reason I look like I'm paying attention is because I'm mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Sarah Aaron @ShaeAaron]

I dropped my date off at Home Depot. He’ll be happier there.

[Sarah Aaron @ShaeAaron]

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries.

[annabelle :3 @oomfabelle]

My mom had a seizure yesterday and just asked me “do you think i burned calories from all the shaking” HELLO

[Sam G @ItsSamG]

Get yourself a girl that prefers Pancake Tuesday to Valentine’s Day

[Benny Boy @Camel_Crushin]

A heart shaped pizza is actually less pizza…don’t fall for that shit.

[sixfootcandy @sixfootcandy]

Whenever my husband surprises me with a kind gesture, I can't help but wonder what he's hiding or trying to make up for.

[Katie D @KatieDeal99]

Being an adult and able to do whatever I want is too much responsibility for me

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

Wife is going out tonight .... anyone want to come over and sit on the other end of the couch and talk during a movie.

[Heatherhere 👽 @Heatinblack]

I'd like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway

[Katie D @KatieDeal99]

Daughter: I want that really delicious pasta for dinner!

Me, flattered: you mean what I made last week?

Daughter: ewww no, I meant from Olive Garden

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

[Matty @bestestname]

Can't. Typing a password into a tv.

[krista @kristabellerina]

I added “Take a nap” to my To Do List so I’d have something to check off. You could say I’m all about results.

[Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy]

I don't like the person I become when I have to deal with Cling Wrap.

[your other mom @difficultpatty]

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

[Kristen @Kica333]

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

[Katie D @KatieDeal99]

Got a funny look from the cashier when I was buying a bottle of wine and my daughter asked me if that was my road trip snack

[mariana Z @mariana057]

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm - 9.15pm so I can't.

[McDad @mcdadstuff]

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente