lainey thomas mead

I like long walks off short piers, looking a gift horse in the mouth, and using my head for nothing but a hat rack. I'm kidding, I look terrible in hats.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

A Facebook notification popped up asking if I knew someone I hate. Facebook should have a "yes, and they're a cunt." option.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

Fuck YouTube right in its suggested video notifications. I will never want to watch one of those videos. Ever. Shhh.

[Dave Weasel @DaveWeasel]

I never though I would utter these words but I don't know what planet we're on anymore:

Michigan, please don't elect Kid Rock to the senate

[Barack Obama @BarackObama]

Thank you to all the first responders and people helping each other out. That's what we do as Americans. Here's one way you can help now. https://t.co/iGfE8rAoAu

[Reagan Battalion @ReaganBattalion]

Important.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

@AyeRishPirate @RealSheriffJoe Nah. She's old enough and smart enough now to know an asshole when she sees one.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

@AyeRishPirate @RealSheriffJoe Ew. Unless he's the one in the zoo. Turnabout is fair play. I'd stand in front of that exhibit for a photo op.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

Not RTing b/c I don't want some misguided soul 2 get confused and try 2 help, but do y'all know @RealSheriffJoe is begging for $ on his TL?

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

@realDonaldTrump Before the election, I tried to tell every Republican voter I know that you'd make us pay for the wall. You even ruin being right. Thanks.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

For the love of all that is holy, #Disjointed DOES NOT have a laugh track. It's filmed in front of a live audience. Idiots.

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Trump had been predictably awful at being president but he's really blossoming into a historic cunt with his proactive white supremacy.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

@RexHuppke They don't need you to tell them how to think, Rex. But if you could tell them how to spell, that would be cool.

[Tom Gara @tomgara]

Most lucid political thought I've read this week came from guy who got suspended from Twitter for sexually harassing a cartoon cereal mascot

[Eugene Gu, MD @eugenegu]

Enforcing immigration checkpoints during an emergency evacuation is not only a waste of resources. It's inhumane. #Harvey2017

[Eugene Gu, MD @eugenegu]

Trump pardons Joe Arpaio and officially bans transgender troops from the military. Because, you know, Category 4 is a nice distraction.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

I assume one of the renovations to the White House is fitting it with a pointy hood.

[Robert Yasumura @teamyasumura]

First pardon to the guy who built concentration camps for Mexicans? If that isn't healing the wounds that divide us, I don't know what is.

[lainey thomas mead @thebestmonkey]

@StephenKing Your books are incredible, but I think this is the best thing you, or anyone else, has ever written.

[Stephen King @StephenKing]

Donald Trump blocked me on Twitter. I am hereby blocking him from seeing IT or MR. MERCEDES. No clowns for you, Donald. Go float yourself.