Colin Drummond

the less you know, the better

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can't do cursive :/

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

i really can't wait for the viking part of history to repeat itself

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

ZOOKEEPER: [examining monkey stool] this shit is bananas!

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

I know it’s not traditional, but mom always served our revenge hot, and that’s the way I like it

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

CAT DETECTIVE: cause of death?
CAT CORONER: curiosity. it’s literally always curiosity. i don’t know why you ask

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

PROFESSOR: Welcome to pun-based marketing 101. Please open your textbooks to Chapter 1: Portable Bathrooms.

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

ADVERTISER: we got the snake oil account!

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

Gym, tan, listen to this podcast you gorilla meathead! https://t.co/WJO61brVRn

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

ME: Who knew fast food SPINACH would take off
HER: You’ve never actually been to a Popeyes have you
ME: I’m not much for health food

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

Seems like a missed opportunity not to put ANY polka songs in Polkahontas

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

FISH IN BARREL: I don’t like our odds

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

@tapairportugal Yes confirm for both tickets.

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

@tapairportugal Was it possible to reissue the flight?

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

@tapairportugal So, did that, explained the situation, and got no reply after 6 hours.

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

@tapairportugal just changed both of my flights tomorrow without explanation. Connection impossible. What am I supposed to do now?

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

Weird that first class means best but my first period class is the worst!

If I was a kid id be tweetin gems like this all the time

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

ALIEN: better yet, take your leader to ME

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

CUTE COWORKER: I like a guy who plays by his own rules
[I switch my stapler to the setting where it bends staples out instead of in]

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

CAT: what are you watching?
[other cat slams computer shut on https://t.co/zBGcU4oplL]

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

I love my ex*!

*excel spreadsheet application

[Colin Drummond @thecoliny]

DETECTIVE: where are the bodies?!
RUSSIAN NESTING DOLL: [tittering] you'll never find them