Dojack

nautically incompetent

[Dojack @thedojack]

me @ tyler :
I don’t even care anymore at this point I just want stable syllabi schedules not relationships

[ghost • is an enigma 🏳️‍⚧️ @glitchoutghost]

No one:
Me making up sayings because I think it’s funny: “putting a condom on a baby’s head” (too little too late)
“power washing the good china” (doing too much and causing accidental harm)
“skydiving with a napkin” (not a hope in hell)

[Earth Papi ⏚ @EarthPapito]

The smartest people I know, and not necessarily the most academically gifted, possess weapons grade pattern recognition that they use mercilessly in every facet of their life.

[Lauren Wilford @lauren_wilford]

the most universally applicable takeaway from reading parenting books recently:

Children engage in behaviors to find out what “works” to get what they want. If they persist in a behavior, it’s because it’s part of a system that “works,” even if dysfunctionally, toward some end

[Beautiful Normal Woman @SillyBWoman]

They said it Wasn’t possible for a Quirked up White Girl to wash Dry and Fold her laundry the Same day. And they were Right

[metaphysical lamb @meta_lamb]

if “chances are slim” and “fat chance” both mean the odds are stacked against you, what is the ideal BMI of fate

[ꪝe @_wej01]

my husband, driving to our six-year-old’s soccer game: shoot, do you have any cash? I forgot we have to pay to get in
me: no, we may be out of luck
ten-year-old from back seat, after being asked to leave his wallet at home FOR YEARS but always insisting he might need it: WELL, WELL, WELL… ''sound of Velcro ripping open''

[𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧★ @olivvrszn]

One of my colleagues asked me “Do you think you’re superior for not using AI in your work?” and I'm like, Thank you for that beautiful question. Yes, I do.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

damn shawty you're sorta doing that without the express written consent of major league baseball

[shrimps💪🍤 @shrimpchipsss]

death by a thousand $20 purchases

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

[juridico nicolas de lenfent @hblazzerr]

by fall out boy

[ִ ࣪𖤐.ᐟ @unusedcartt]

ever since i was a little girl i been mad as hell

[teen vampire, aged 40 @witchesflight]

Tim Curry’s work as Nigel Thornberry is some of the funniest voice work known to man, RIP king I hope u enjoy kippers in heaven

[number #16: limit-liz ! @thedeparted_rat]

alexa. sweet transvestite. loud enough to kill

[martha @justmartha29]

you seem pretty online for a girl so employed

[caitie delaney @caitiedelaney]

Visiting your hometown is so crazy cause on one hand you’re forced to reckon with every ghost of unresolved trauma from your past over and over forever but on the other hand there’s like that one sandwich that’s so good

[Rin 𖤐 @blackliturgy]

Get those shein goths off my timeline