Welcome Matt

Look I try my best, alright?, All my tweets are below ....Avi by @WhaJoTalkinBout unless I’ve changed my avi since, oh well

[Welcome Matt @theguywitheyes]

All-Time Faves!
https://t.co/hiKvX55yhE

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

conservatives will say stuff like “pizza hut has gone woke now.” but then you will google what they did and it’s something like asking people to stop eating the little plastic table that comes with the pizza

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

[Welcome Matt @theguywitheyes]

ME: *looking at a mirror* To be honest, I don’t like what I see anymore

STEVE: *with his picture taped to the mirror* Hey fuck you too

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

i still don’t understand the metric system

[Sir Michael @Michael1979]

Applied for a job today that was advertised in 2014. I didn't get it :(

[Sara Wren @sarawrencomedy]

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

[Welcome Matt @theguywitheyes]

kids watching too many meme channels have early onset racism

[Dr Pessimus Prime, rat edition 🐀 @BigJDubz]

And it seems to me, you lived your life like a

[Hank Green @hankgreen]

Absolutely obsessed with Google Maps telling me I could just drive around in a neighborhood for 18 minutes if I wanted to (No tolls)

[amelia elizalde @ameliaelizalde]

that’s cool im over 5 feet tall

[YAKUZAFIVE @YakuzaFive]

losing my mind at this image

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

i don’t know about y’all but i’d be freaked out if i received 23 birds over 12 days of christmas

[Welcome Matt @theguywitheyes]

Anyone else get a little heartbroken when the moving sidewalk ends and you have to go that pitiful normal walking speed again?

[🐸 @the_frogboy]

If you are feeling self conscious about posting your spotify wrapped to social media this year, dm it to just me and then only i will criticize you

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

everybody had their dumb ideas, but billy knew there was only one way to catch a gator

[Shenanigans @Shenanigans_luv]

I can't explain why but I'm pretty sure having this sweater would solve all of my problems

[Welcome Matt @theguywitheyes]

Episode premieres today! Tune in if you can, or listen to us at https://t.co/9eEEkfa6iD

[Cody Johnston @drmistercody]

This is obviously ridiculous but my favorite part is just what a horribly-constructed sentence it is.