Justin Van Dyke

Comedian | Primary proponent of the Rattlin’ Bog

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

Men aren’t real. Women have dicks

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

Therapists coming home from a trip:

“Let’s unpack this”

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

Me: Hey whats the abv on this??

Milktender: 2%

[Nic @JQAfan]

What if the Presidents were made of water?

BarAQUAbama

Okay I'm out of ideas

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

Doom scrolling on the I-95

[Kiwi @ChineseCheese]

Eating-speed gap relationship

[JP 🍍 @JPLFR80]

I wonder how many times I have died on fuck, marry, kill

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

Just go body slammed by a woman on a date. DO NOT SAVE ME

[@realWokeism @realWokeism]

Karl Marx failed to consider the Steam Summer Sale

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

You know who you are, if you’re seeing this, no you’re not

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

See I’m definitely a hoe, but I also just left the store with a pile of sugar-free carb-free snacks because a girl I’m into told me she’s type 1 diabetic

I don’t know what to do with myself

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

“He’ll yeah”
“Did you mean Hell Yeah?”

No. He will. Mark my words. He will yeah

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

Edward 40 hands, but instead of holding 40s, you hold me

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

Making guy friends as a guy is just stimming until something sticks

[¿ @umlarp]

doing a line of hope

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

I’m one squishmellow away from growing ovaries

[Bob Golen @BobGolen]

I've never found a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.

[Benny Feldman @Feldfrog]

Nominative Determinism would be a beautiful name for a baby, depending on how their life plays out

[official game glenna @glenna_opt]

Your job is to throw away shampoo bottles in remembrance of 9/11. Do not make jokes.

[maya @mayaviatwitta]

experts are saying they forgot what they were going to say

[Justin Van Dyke @thejustinvandyk]

You don’t know who you’re messing with, I was the strongest man in the womb 9 months straight