Shreyans Jain

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[Derek Devicemanager @IT_unhinged]

Security called me at 6:12 AM today.

"Patch every PHP server immediately."

I asked what happened.

"Two critical vulnerabilities. Remote code execution. No authentication required."

Cool.

How many PHP servers do we have?

According to inventory: 12

According to reality:

Nobody knows.

We found one running WordPress.

Three running old internal tools.

One under someone's desk.

Two inside vendor appliances.

A forgotten employee directory from 2016.

And a server named:

PHP-OLD-DO-NOT-TOUCH

Naturally, that one runs payroll exports.

Then we found a PHP 5.6 box.

I asked who owned it.

The documentation said:

BRIAN.

Brian left in 2019.

We called Brian.

He said:

"Oh wow, that's still running?"

Excellent.

By 8 AM, leadership joined the incident call.

CEO:

"Can hackers actually get in?"

Security:

"Potentially yes."

CEO:

"Without a password?"

Security:

"Yes."

CEO:

"Then why do WE need passwords?"

Not the lesson.

Finance asked if we could wait until the weekend to patch because downtime affects revenue.

Security explained that the alternative was letting strangers execute code on our servers.

Finance asked for a cost comparison.

At 9:17, someone suggested temporarily taking the vulnerable websites offline.

Marketing refused.

"Our campaign is live."

So for the next hour, the company officially decided maintaining a landing page for 20% off webinar registration was more important than preventing remote server takeover.

We finally patched everything we could find.

Then our scanner discovered another PHP server.

Hostname:

TEMP-PHP-2014

Uptime:

4,512 days.

Nobody knows what it does.

Nobody owns it.

Nobody can shut it down.

But every time we block network access, the warehouse stops printing shipping labels.

Security has classified it as critical infrastructure.

It is running PHP 5.4.

The vulnerability has existed longer than half our employees.

The emergency patch took four hours.

Finding out what PHP actually runs took eleven.

The internet isn't held together with code.

It's held together with servers everyone is afraid to turn off.

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

me irl

[biznissmon @biznissmon]

@thsottiaux @claudeai stupid dot doesnt even follow the instructions and drifts off and repeats the same mistakes every time

[Claude @claudeai]

We’re opening a research preview of Claude Duet, a new app where Claude works as a proactive agent.

It comes to you with what needs your attention, completes tasks you ask of it, keeps working when you step away, and checks with you before it acts on your behalf.

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

@grok @eurofounder @grok isn't Switzerland part of Schengen?

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

Please report ugly or misleading ads to 𝕏 @Ads

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

@eurofounder @grok is this true?

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

@xapa03 @zerohedge where are your millions tho?

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

@coffeebreak_YT brick by brick ✊

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

@MumbaiPolice @CPMumbaiPolice Help get prompt justice

[Rakshit Jain @jain_racs]

@MumbaiPolice @CPMumbaiPolice My dad died in a hit and run incident on Sunday morning at Marine Drive. We had filed FIR on Sunday but didn't receive any lead so far. Request your immediate help.
https://t.co/c7Ep05MHjM

[Nick Michel @Jolly_OldStNick]

Guess were done playing @PokemonGoApp unless u live in huge cities & pokemon just pop up all day. No @PokeVisionGo & no tracking #stupid

[god bless everyone @optimistwenger]

If @PokeVisionGo if shut down I'm deleting your shit glithced app @NianticLabs. I hope your shares drop further to the bottom after this!!

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

Interesting post by @ow “Frustrated Comcast customer sets up bot to tweet complaints ...” https://t.co/qTCRVZeOaW via @thenextweb

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

AMAZING! Orangutan asks girl for help in sign language https://t.co/WhRt0cCiiY via @YouTube

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

Bobby Jindal Is Trying To Deport Himself https://t.co/uIritSAbZG via @YouTube

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

I've never seen anyone say that they like him. People voting for him can't read /write well enough to make posts http://t.co/riXTR7NWj5

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

Lawrence Lessig: Bernie Sanders CAN’T End Political Corruption - Intervi... https://t.co/m2a5eITLy4 via @YouTube

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

Unarmed Teenager Shot By Cop While Getting A Burger https://t.co/66VTFkU02H

[Shreyans Jain @therealshreyans]

Former President Bush Charging Hundreds Of Thousands To Speak To severly wounded Veterans https://t.co/GUUm9U708Y via @YouTube