SlothyAstronaut

Shitposts and the occasional decent thought.

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Excuse me sir but it's an all you can eat buffet let me keg stand the ketchup dispenser

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Kids These Days. Will Put Junk Food In Their Mouths. Cocks In Their Butts. But Won’t Put Jesus In Their Hearts? Shame On Our Country

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Lmao been subjecting the world to my dumb dumb brain vomit for how long? Too long. Oof

[🐀🌮 Vermin Crunchwrap Supreme 🌮🐀 @JonahBroswick]

@JustinMcElroy https://t.co/rJUPUsZt15

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Back from the death, just like my boy Jeezy

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

When ya taking a poop and water comes up and splashes ya butthole

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

My girl asked me to sniff under the blanket and asked “does this smell like Arby’s”
First of all, yes. Secondly, the fuck. Wish my asshole worked like a fast food Glade freshener

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Realized I haven’t tweeted this year, time to change that. Hey fuckers, it’s 2018

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

@griffinmcelroy Happy belated birthday!!!!! You and your brothers and dad are what got me into D&D, and what got me to become a beloved DM for my very good buddies. Keep doing what you do and have fun!

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Takin a shit and wondering where it all went wrong. Probably should've taken my pants off first

[wint @dril]

i hate it when my dick gets dredged in flour, egg and breadcrumbs, in that order

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

I figured I'd be sitting around a whole lot less after spending a whole lot more

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Watching older people get turnt at concerts in college towns is the fuckin best

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Hell yeah I'm a bad motherfucker
*Alex & Sierra plays at 20% volume as I drive by* don't test me

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Why does the local Chinese restaurant close on Mondays, that's when I need y'all most 😭

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Look if life could slow the hell down just a tick fuckin tock I'd sure appreciate it

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Me: forgive me daddy for I have sinned
Priest: please put your pants back on and get out of my booth

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

The Internet connection is so bad at home I only ever see the thumbnails before I blast, for all I know porn isn't even worth watching

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Do you think a guy with no legs has trouble running from his problems

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

Pro tip: You Can't Be A Bad Ass™ If Your Boots Squeak

[SlothyAstronaut @theslothya]

What do you call a weeaboo, but for Russia? Asking for a friend