Captain Thongbeard

I'm just a parody of myself

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

Even favstar twitter has descended into tribal politics.

More unites us than divides us if we don't follow the prescribed narratives.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

"What the fuck is he saying ?" - The first person to ever hear a Pear Jam song.

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@JimmySelfDest Soy boy AF

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@TamiDaBushPilot @circlejokes You had me at misplaced comma

[schmox @IvoryGazelle]

The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@nytimes Take the story further... like to editorial fucking tripe?

I see what you did there.

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@nielslesniewski @chucktodd You misspelled “awkwardly gropes children.”

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@MeghanMcCain @akarmutt Dramatic pause... 👎🏻

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@LadyThriller69 @LauraLoomer Talcum X

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@catmiggs @realDonaldTrump Way to politicize tragedy with your partisanship. Your outrage is misguided by those that do your thinking for you.

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@MickGreenhough Plus, the average western Christian is less devoted to the cause than the average Muslim, making Islam a preferable instrument of control for the masses, moving forward.

[Mike Fewz @hadafewbeers]

Props to the Netflix IT guy who invented the "Skip Intro" feature which allowed me to watch 27 episodes of The Office in 8 hours 58 minutes instead of 9 hours

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@GrantTanaka @sarahdelri0 Not sure bison was the best animal choice for the simile, but yes.

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@MuslimIQ There are no suspects currently, you fucking idiotic partisan.

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@arjunsethi81 Oops you got ahead of yourself there, trigger finger.

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@adamcbest Way to make tragedy political, you stupid fucking bipartisan.

[Captain Thongbeard @thongbeard]

@selectedwisdom So you want to see air strikes in Austin? Fucking non sequitur.

[gary from teen mom @garyfromteenmom]

uber driver: *arrives at destination*
me: soo.. i had a really fun time with you tonight

[Cabo 🍳🇺🇸 @Shot_Of_Cabo]

ICYMI: People who claim to want equality lose their shit when not treated preferentially.

[Benny 'Sea Bass' Rollins @citizenkawala]

Whoever put a 'b' in 'subtle' was next level.

[MisoSilly @SeiYoung83]

If alcoholics get whiskey dick, do junkies get poppycock?