Mike Fewz

Tweeter · Cheater · Non-Beet Eater

[Mike Fewz @hadafewbeers]

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. "6 fell down today". Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: "33 is drunk again".

[Mike F @DeputyWarlock]

I watched that new bob dylan movie. and there was so many times where a guy was introduced by his full name and never spoken to again. like "hey im here to play guitar! im al kooper!" "we already have a guitarist named mike bloomfield! would you care to play an iconic organ riff"

[🇨🇦SmokingJen🇨🇦 @jen_wrightcr]

Men used to smoke Marlboros. Now they cry when they lose their strawberry cheesecake vape…

[mike ginn @shutupmikeginn]

i love when you get an oil change and at the end they bring your oil dipstick to get your approval for how much they filled it, like some kind of Valvoline sommelier

[cardinal copium @emotionalpedant]

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

[chuuch @ch000ch]

(my dog from the back seat) hey you ran that grey light

[Mike Fewz @hadafewbeers]

If you hit me in your Cybertruck I will ask why you bought that dumb thing

[UwUTangClan @Executivejeff1]

can't believe there's a whole clinic for mayonnaise

[mariana Z @mariana057]

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

[Jenna SaysQuoi @jennasaysquoi]

moving to a country, gonna eat me a lot of creatures🎶

[Burning Mom ⚡️ @MomOnFire]

“You made your bed, now lie in it.”

You think that’s a threat? I’ll go lie in it right now.

[John to the World 🌎 @JohnJokewriter]

I would consider being in a gang if they met over Zoom.

[Mike Fewz @hadafewbeers]

I need to know who Flavor Flav is voting for before I decide.

[god’s favorite dipshit @JessInAbsentia]

“how can i listen to foo fighters knowing dave cheated on his wife?”

boy do i have something to tell you about the lead singer of every band, ever

[Kip Conlon @kipconlon]

CB radio: 109 dollars. Being called Good Buddy: priceless.

[Mike Fewz @hadafewbeers]

That breakdancing chick would've won the gold in the seizure competition

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

(red hot chili peppers voice) can't stop, addicted to the cheese sticks

[Kellalena @topaz_kell]

The new American dream is to buy a house and never leave it.

[Eden Dranger @Eden_Eats]

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.