TiM

I live in NYC and do things

[TiM @tim35385511]

I’m on the internet and I’m eating eggs and chorizo with a healthy amount of green onions.

[Mike Reiss @MikeReissWriter]

To be fair, I've stolen this much in office supplies from old jobs.

[TiM @tim35385511]

I know a man that is shorter that a girl

[Angela Belcamino @AngelaBelcamino]

@elonmusk I’m just trying to find my soul mate… please DM me if these apply to you:

Sits while urinating.
Apologizes for everything.
Does not want to be the provider.
Cooks on an electric stove.
Bud Light is your favorite beer.

[TiM @tim35385511]

I’m saving 480 bucks for the carhartt store when I go upstate

[TiM @tim35385511]

I have stuffed clams in the toaster oven.

[TiM @tim35385511]

Putting it on the wall

[TiM @tim35385511]

I must watch a movie with Paul Rudd

[TiM @tim35385511]

Saxophone really had some shit going on in the 80s. A COMEDY?! YEAH MAKE SURE SOMEONE PLAYS THE SAXOPHONE ON SCREEN!!!

[TiM @tim35385511]

Man these thumper machines are great. I have one on my legs and it feels great.

[TiM @tim35385511]

WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT ELECTRIC EELS?

[TiM @tim35385511]

God just imagine living in Connecticut and having zero flex at all

[TiM @tim35385511]

We took our winter jackets out finally.

[TiM @tim35385511]

No more beer at restaurants. Two drafts are the price of a midrange entree

[TiM @tim35385511]

I absolutely have to get my eyebrows threaded. My brows are growing into my hairline!!!!!!

[TiM @tim35385511]

We turned on the roomba and I have been watching for like 45 minutes.

[TiM @tim35385511]

@gurlsix_ Wake up there is time

[TiM @tim35385511]

Bunch of fucking dickheads trying to call me fucking “T”. I’m not about that at all.

[TiM @tim35385511]

Conan playing guitar and singing

[TiM @tim35385511]

So I went to see Conan Needs a Friend at the Beacon Theater two nights ago and his guest was Steven Cobert and last night was TRACY FUCKING MORGAN! FUCK