Timothy Krause

Author, speaker, mistake prone father and husband. But I have some pretty funny stories to tell.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

Great. Statler and Waldorf are running for President.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@shemaiahng Better ask your home bartender what he put in that Martini.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

I hate that that call happened when it did. But show me a team that lost from a game changing call and I’ll show you a team that shouldn’t have put itself in the position of losing from a game changing call.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

Amazing how many people who probably couldn’t set a DVR to record a show are now experts on what to do about a Chinese balloon.

[Quentin James @QJames]

Stop what you’re doing and watch this complete takedown of @HerschelWalker by pastor @jamalhbryant. #WeDontNeedAWalker

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

Listened to @Boys_Vox call play-by-play during my drive home today. That voice is a gift from God and he takes you to football church with all the emotions of the game.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@shemaiahng You have my attention. How is a blanket like a Victorian woman?

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@shemaiahng What they thought they wanted is different than what they really wanted and now they’re better for it. Also one crew member gains valuable insight about something. Then the doc tells a joke.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@DFWJodyDean @coachbillcurry And then you pull your groin picking it up off the garage floor.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@DFWJodyDean @skepticalbird1 Combined with the second law of@thermodynamics - entropy increases.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

Clarence Thomas, the Rip Van Winkle of the Supreme Court, has awakened after a 50 year slumber confused and out of touch.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

SCOTUS protects the right of an 18 year old boy to shoot up an elementary school while denying the right of an 18 year old girl to save her future.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@DFWJodyDean I heard of a lawyer who had a parrot that would wake him each morning crying out 'today's the day the world shall end as scripture has foretold'. One day the lawyer shot him for the sake of peace and quiet I presume, thus fulfilling, for the bird at least, his prophecy- A Lincoln

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

I’m sorry, son. I can sell you those two AR-15s and 300 rounds of ammo, but you can only have one box of Sudafed.

[Alex Vindman 🇺🇸 @AVindman]

All that time spent discussing how to brief him on Ukraine only to learn he doesn’t know how doors work.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@shemaiahng 13. Holy cow

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@DFWJodyDean @mikejason73 I saw a post that the kid stuttered, had a lisp, and was bullied for it all through school. Not sure if it’s true. But if so, combine that with gaming and easy access to an AR, and Voila! The trifecta recipe for Uvalde. Thanks, Greg and Ted for that final ingredient.

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@shemaiahng Was there a shirtless pool boy named Alessandro out back?

[Timothy Krause @timdkrause]

@shemaiahng And then Kirk banned him to Ceti Alpha V and all hell broke loose.