Tim Hanlon

Tim Hanlon. Comedian. DOPE CITY Comedy Tour.
coming to Seattle, Phoenix, Tacoma Spokane Boise, Brea, Irvine....

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

WAWA Vs. Cumberland Farms
#jokes #standup #standupcomedy #funny

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Everybody is like "Eat the rich" but I think the poor would taste better. A bit more fatty, marbled, and a little seasoned like an ol iron skillet.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Million dollar idea. Since Data Centers use all the water to cool down the computers, just build all the data centers in Antarctica and leave the windows open. Problem solved.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

In honor of June being pride month, FIFA World Cup starts next week because soccer is gayyyyyyy

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

It's been years since we've seen Jesus in a nacho or on a piece of toast

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

The Federal government has made budget cuts to the National Suicide Hotline. In good news the number of Americans living with depression is rapidly declining.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Pete Hegseth was leading a public prayer and mistakenly quoted Quentin Terrantino's Pulp Fiction. While in private he often quotes Django Unchained.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

@FBI @PlebeianPepe Y'all should check 1600 Pennsylvania Av. Washington DC. It's some weird stuff going on.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Epstein's spam box filter must have the hardest job on the Internet.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Bring back the guillotine

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Bill Clinton 1998: "I did not have sex with that woman"

Bill Clinton 2026: "I did not have sex with that little girl"

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Always thought that politics was like the Bloods vs the Crips. Now it's like Bloods vs the Bloods and it's about to get crazy.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

If we are in public and you're on the phone loud enough that everybody hears you. I will 100% hold my hand to my head and repeat everything you say I'm big dumb voice.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Eggs are like the most common breakfast, but the first dude that ate 'em was probably a fuckin psychopath.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Don't blame me I voted for Pedro

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

I've never been an ICE agent, but I bet I could do the job without shooting random ladies in the face.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Dear Lord, I hope he survives

[CBS News @CBSNews]

BREAKING: The ICE agent who fatally shot Renee Good on Jan. 7 in Minneapolis, Jonathan Ross, suffered internal bleeding to the torso following the incident, according to two U.S. officials briefed on his medical condition.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Indiana is about to get beat by an 18 year old.
#cfp #miamihurricanes

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Holy shit. The guys with the Oakley sun the glasses were right! We should all be armed to stop a tyrannical government takeover.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

Crazy stat @LeBatardShow After the championship, Miami will have played on a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday in the same season.

[Tim Hanlon @TimfromDa70s]

I hope the new Venezuela has affordable health care