Just Todd Things

a daughter admiring the comedic doings of her father

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: oh I just found out what “pegging” is like 6 months ago at work

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: I mean talk about putting lipstick on a pig…

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: an amputee let my buddy Dave drink a beer out of his prosthetic leg once

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd, a few weeks ago:

I heard Baker Mayfield got hurt, I think he tore his Labia…

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

“It’s starting to feel like I’m
Margar-eating it”

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: see that pretty house up there? That’s the house I got shot at.

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

*pour some sugar on me comes on at a wedding*
Todd: Girls, go dance!
Kris: This isn’t a fun song to dance to
Todd: But it’s a great song to strip to! Did I tell you about the time I danced at a strip joint and made money?

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

@GrassoCatie Glad to hear it 😂

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

*Me listening to WAP*
Todd: is that cardi b?
Me: how do you know that song?
Todd: I see it on my TikTok

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: what is that damn beeping sound?
Kris: it’s an amber alert
Todd: has everyone responded except me? Why is it still beeping? Whose TV is that on anyway?!

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: I already got spit on once today! At work, I got spit on by a guy eating a hotdog on a stick.

Me: like a corn dog?

Todd: yeah a corn dog, so I took some industrial disinfectant that we had and sprayed it right on my face. It was out of control.

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: I don’t have to pee yet but when I do, it’s gonna be in an alley

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: dude I can put your head in my armpit, it’s no problem

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

@tillakills Thanks Tyler 😂

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: dude I saw a spider so big the other day that I decided to let him live. I said “bro you deserve to stay alive you’re so big.” He’s been eatin good in the neighborhood.

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd, to random people at the bar: you guys ever just wake up still kinda drunk and not really know where you’re at but you have to go the bathroom? It’s a bad feeling. Happened to me a few weeks ago.

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

@mommaslacker Imagine feeling sympathetic for a spider 😂

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

@rbecker_fdny His van doesn’t have license plates and is covered in rust

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

a dark shadow lurking quietly in the distance.

[Just Todd Things @todd_things]

Todd: “I love that those dudes have scrotum hair on their chins”