Tom Wolfson

Cardinals cruelty carbonara

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

If all your friends told you to jump off a bridge would you do it

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

oh no i forgot to wear green on st Patrick’s day i hope someone doesn’t pinch my fat juicy dump truck ass cheeks

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

fuck bros before hoes, my commitment is to the bit.

bits before slits

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

Do I want to go “out”?? You mean the place where literally every war ever happened?!

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

Me telling my friend daniel about how my gleeful superintendent Mandel gave me a lollipop

My dandy handyman mandy handed me a candy, dan

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

Chefs having sex like:
“inside you”

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

Is your girl more into ammonium thioglycolate or positraction

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

Is saruman brat

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

the jongus of consequence rarely arrives jorked

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

If god is a DJ, life is a nightmare

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

The female response to no nut november: dry vajanuary

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

I like big butts, and I’m lying

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

@THR Marvel announces Kang recast with… Don Cheadle

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

@realDonaldTrump #Orangejumpsuit2024

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

The Devil Wears Prada should’ve been titled Emily Not In Paris

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

Pride should be two months earlier and called gaypril

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

Why do we call it a two way mirror shouldn’t it be called a one way window

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

I just told my gf that alfonso cuaron directed a dickensian mean girls in the mid 90s and her nose started bleeding

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

@MorePerfectUS I used to work at a restaurant owned by Jim Cramer and I can tell you firsthand, he doesn’t give a company fuck about labor rights. His manager even threatened to contest my unemployment claim after I was fired without cause.

[Tom Wolfson @tom_wolfson]

@lavern_spicer Has there ever been a more telling example of a candidate’s constitutional illiteracy than referring to a VP (one of the most inconsequential federal roles) as “do-nothing”? Throw some random sexual slander in for good measure