KangaRufio

Do you ever wonder why your life is so hard, and then you're like "Oh, that's right. I'm an idiot"?

[KangaRufio @Topangaroo]

What if Rob Lowe robbed Lowes? Just imagine the crazy headlines. They'd probably say something like... "Rob Lowe Robs Lowes"

[chuuch @ch000ch]

(my dog from the back seat) hey you ran that grey light

[dinosaur @dinosaurs1969]

its so cold even the target ball inside

[brent @murrman5]

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
"why isn't he wearing a shirt"
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

[jo @whatsJo]

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

[Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga]

Me: We’re expecting a hard frost tonight

Robert Frost: *kicks in door* I’ve got miles to go before I sleep, motherfucker

[chuuch @ch000ch]

turning my hat backwards before going down on my wife

[chuuch @ch000ch]

coffee prices are out of control

[brent @murrman5]

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

[brent @murrman5]

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

[Twin Dad @TwinSurvivalist]

Fun fact: the medals of this year's Olympics are filled with two moderna vaccines and an eight ball.

[wint @dril]

assembling my crew

[Cat Damon @CornOnTheGoblin]

me: [beastie boys voice] ahh can't stand it. i wanna sandwich, phily cheesesteak is what I'll take
subway employee: sir, please stop yelling

[David Spade @DavidSpade]

Worth it even for a few mins

[mustard clown @markydoodoo]

uptown mouse
she’s been livin’ in her
swiss cheese house

[KangaRufio @Topangaroo]

@UncleDuke1969 @MelvinofYork It’s a cat

[brent @murrman5]

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will...we will..miss you"

[NurseBrianRN @rn_murse]

Kohl’s is fucking brutal.

[Schmrrrlex @alexlumaga]

Tom: Hi
Me: Hey Tom, you old son of a bitch, you old SOB, you aged illegimate offspring of a female cur, you bastard whoreson
Tom: So my mom's been pretty sick
Me: Oh no, please give Barbara my best