Laura Dee

ostensibly a comedian, but you can't make me prove it
she/her, queer

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

the worst part of being in my 30s is saying goodbye to a friend at a party and knowing I might never see them again except on linkedin

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

like come on
why make tomorrow even more of a shitshow than it already has to be

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

the fact that @VIA_Rail didn't outright put "cancelation" in the subject line of this email is ridiculous, I'm sure a lot of people won't think to open it as they'll assume it's just another message about mask protocol

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

i'm in no position to judge anyone's aesthetic, but i'm still allowed to be skeeved out by guys with goatee braids because IMAGINE that thing dragging through your buttcrack while he goes down on you?

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

before I quit straight men, it was wild how often they'd step on their own dicks like this - some cocktail of impatience and entitlement that made them torpedo an almost-sure thing if I wanted to meet for a quick drink in public, and not just show up at their place like ubereats

[AskAubry 🦋 🐆🦝 @ask_aubry]

Dude: Dating is so easy for women. Just pick one of hundreds of Nice Guys™ on the app.

And what's on the app. 😒

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@MarLaughs I always say this - references can be faked, the red flag is someone who can't get anyone to agree to fake them and sound sincere!

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@CoQetesh_Fetish yes - BUT - I got much better meals after they quit kitchen work

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@PTRQ all the more time to focus on aesthetic lighting solutions my friend

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

just dawned on me that maybe the reason so many heteros salivate to put up their Christmas decorations as early as possible is that they don't realize they can have fun and aesthetic lighting in their house all the time, without dragging Jesus or pine trees or nutcrackers into it

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

I'm at a Toronto Maple Leafs game that I have minimal time for or interest in, solely because someone else is paying and it feels like a good way to spite the hockey bros who were so mean to me growing up

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

if anyone was wondering, I decided to just be hot for Hallowe'en

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

Threw a Hallowe'en party and my partner dressed up as a sexy biblically accurate angel
I didn't get a photo of the costume but I do get the honor of picking up googly eyes from all over my apartment until the end of time

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@selenavyle I voted, but almost missed the day. Didn't get a card/wasn't on the list despite living at the same address since 2015 and voting in the 2018 election. Had to dig online to figure out where to vote. Wild that there weren't general information sponsored ads on social media etc.

[Clare Belford @clarebelford]

Whenever I can't sleep, I like to count backwards from a thousand every perceivable offense I have ever commited against another person

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@falseroxy I didn't figure it out til I was like 34! Liquid with brush works best for me, my vision isn't great, but after practicing a bunch, it's muscle memory and the feel of the brush on my lid almost more than seeing what I'm doing

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@Xandara @AndrewCFrancis honestly it was the casual confidence as much as the technique https://t.co/NGHRdN5dKq

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

trying contacts for the first time, so I responsibly watched an eye doctor's how-to video. result: got #1 in after a half-hour struggle. #2 was going worse
on the brink of despair, watched a how-to from a youtube fashion babe with big acrylic nails. result: success in 30 seconds

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@tallahustler I had to hold a menu like 3 feet from my face while on a date and truly felt my own soul leave my body and my mother's enter it

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@tallahustler I'm sure I'll stay bad at it. I originally only wore glasses for work, so blew my benefits on fancy frames, but it's recently come to my attention that it's cool to be able to read things at social events without worrying I'll lose/break a $$$ item, and without old lady-squinting

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

also, the eye doctor was pushing his referral links, but the fashion babe was just helping out for the love of the game, baby 💅

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

trying contacts for the first time, so I responsibly watched an eye doctor's how-to video. result: got #1 in after a half-hour struggle. #2 was going worse
on the brink of despair, watched a how-to from a youtube fashion babe with big acrylic nails. result: success in 30 seconds

[Laura Dee @totalpartyhouse]

@tallahustler damn doc, you never heard of performance anxiety?