Comîcs of Twîtter

We write tweets. We tell jokes. We like to party. As seen in Las Vegas, New Orleans, New York, Toronto... they all have delicious food.

[rob elliott @rockymomax]

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

[Angie Davis ❤️’s Peen @AngieDavisHaha]

I have a milestone high school reunion this year. So if anyone wants to pretend to be my boyfriend there's a cheese platter in it for you.

[Josh Gondelman @joshgondelman]

New acronym we need: IDOCHBEI
"I'm doing okay considering how bad everything is."
Pronounced: "ih-DOCK-bay"

[Disdain @IsaacDisdain]

A sexual predator's opinion on abortion is about as relevant as Stephen Hawking's speed walking tips.

[Valerie Tosi @valerie_tosi]

I scheduled my annual Pap smear for Valentine's Day just to guarentee a man touches me down there.

[Glepgard NacDaegle @theDnadRellwer]

Armed with only Kanye shades, 4 beers and a sweet pair of camouflage cargo shorts, he took that town carnival by the balls that night.

[karl hess @karlhess]

Hey you know what snowflakes do when there's enough of them? fucking bury shit.

[Glepgard NacDaegle @theDnadRellwer]

"I have oyster farts", he flirted.

[Randi Lawson @RandiLawson]

Our I.T. guy shaved his creepy 70's middle school mustache, so around the office it feels like another celebrity lost in 2016

[¿Anthony Douchesamito? @AnthonyDesamito]

Ever since I put "Please have a job and a car" in my Tinder profile, it's been a dry, dry spell for this guy.

[Joses @JosesLovesYou]

Famous people are dying so often these days it's almost as if death is a natural process that happens to 150,000 people everyday.

[Joses @JosesLovesYou]

Donald Trump is just doing all this because his real dream is to have his face on money.

[Angie Davis ❤️’s Peen @AngieDavisHaha]

A couple's therapist but for me and my cat. To discuss that it hurts my feelings when she uses my belly like a beanbag chair.

[Jacob Givens @jacobgivens]

I forgot how heated things got back in 2004 on MySpace.

[Chill E Dog @armstrew]

Why am I helping you become famous, said my girlfriend, as she helped increase my Instagram following from 12 to 14

[Adrienne Airhart Helberg @craydrienne]

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

[Adrienne Airhart Helberg @craydrienne]

When your jokes do well all week and you hit one mic and they bomb it's almost like comedians don't actually like comedy at all weird huh

[RockNRoll Chēzburger @RRCheeseBurger]

Look, if you like @kDuncanG then open this search and click on his IMDb page

He's a lady.

https://t.co/DWyZ4o07PK

[I Love Baking & Ur Mom @LindsaysFace]

Open mics are like soup kitchens except you have to watch everyone eat their soup