matthew

Bruce Bou-bro, Canucks fan. I once wove a thermal sweater only made of belly button cotton.

[matthew @uhsup]

@NiqVelji What do you think about Daxon Rudolph?

[🏆 - kermit gulag @scullyenjoyer]

the way this is a core role in hockey

[Peter Girnus 🦅 @gothburz]

The official line is that they were a Norwegian trade delegation. Technically accurate, because they are Nordic, and there was trade. But they are also seven feet tall, telepathic, and arrived on the South Lawn without a vehicle.

I am the Deputy Director of Visitor Logistics at the White House. I logged them into WAVES as FOREIGN DIGNITARIES (3), NON-TERRESTRIAL, NO MOTORCADE REQUIRED, and the meeting went extremely well.

The Pleiadians requested the audience in March. They communicate telepathically, which the President respected immediately, because it meant nothing was in writing.

They traveled 444 light-years to deliver a warning about our trajectory as a species, the kind of warning a doctor gives a patient who keeps asking if he can smoke in the waiting room. Atomic weapons. Ocean collapse. Machine intelligence. I did not take complete notes, because the meeting ran 25 minutes and he spent the first eleven asking where they got the jackets.

Their opening offer: clean fusion, the cure for every disease, the propulsion equations. Free. Contingent on planetary disarmament.

His advisors begged him not to negotiate against a species that reads minds. It turned out he is the one man alive with nothing to find. They reached into his mind expecting layer upon layer of deception and found a single image, perfectly clear: him, wearing one of their jackets. The delegation conferred for a long moment and informed us that in eleven thousand years of contact, no species had ever tried to buy the uniform. They called it coherence. They did not mean it as a compliment. He has already trademarked it.

He countered. Landing rights, retroactive to 1947. Eighty years of unauthorized airspace use, invoiced with interest. Legal added a line item for the weather balloon story. Narrative services. We billed them for our own cover-up, and the tall one went silent for nine seconds, which I am told is how their species weeps.

Greenland stays in the deal. They did not want Greenland. He said that's how he knew it was valuable. What kind of advanced civilization passes on waterfront?

Then UFC Freedom 250. This Sunday. Seven bouts on the same lawn we were standing on. His birthday, which he assured them was a coincidence the universe keeps arranging. He offered them galactic distribution rights. Then he looked at the tall one for a long time and offered him the co-main event. Seven feet. Reach like a cathedral door. Walks around at a weight our scales log as an error. Someone said the commission would never sanction it. He appoints the commission.

The tall one declined. He lowered the offer to the prelims. This is a negotiating technique.

They asked if staging a cage fight on the negotiation site was a threat display. He said it was a Flag Day celebration, and also yes.

I should note that an environmental group has sued to stop the octagon. Nobody has sued to stop the aliens. I forwarded this to Counsel as proof that the permitting process is working.

Protocol required a gift exchange. They presented a small silver sphere that shows the holder the full consequences of his choices. He looked into it for four seconds and asked if it came in gold.

You have all seen the photo. A groundskeeper took it through the magnolias. We told the press pool it was a costume rehearsal for a streaming series, and the pool, to their credit, wrote that down. The groundskeeper now works at the Department of Energy. I am told this is a promotion.

There is also footage. He spotted the camera mid-meeting and pointed at it the way you'd point at a waiter whose name you intend to learn. Instead of having it confiscated, he licensed it on the spot. The leak is now official merchandise. Every time you share it, a royalty accrues. You have probably shared it. Have you checked? He thanks you for your business.

The deal collapsed at dusk. The Pleiadians withdrew the fusion offer when he asked them to walk out before the main event as Special Guests of the Octagon. They said humanity was not ready. He had Counsel log that as a verbal option to renew.

Final tally: our species declined the cure for every disease and counteroffered with pay-per-view. The delegation received two tickets to the Ellipse screening area. Not cageside. He does not give away cageside.

They left without sound. One moment present, then elsewhere, like a fee disclosure.

Two things before Sunday. The walkout jackets for the main card are red with gold embroidery. Licensed. The fusion fell through, but the jackets closed in an afternoon.

And there are three seats on the South Lawn logged as HOLD, GUESTS OF THE PRINCIPAL, DO NOT ASSIGN. I did not enter that hold. The system says I did.

He says everyone comes back to the table.

We're the only planet with the belt.

[Carolina Hurricanes @Canes]

Aura

[🏆 - hal ⁷⁶ ⋆˙⟡ @earthtohal]

oh theyre getting gay in that locker room

[Jordan @jordancicchelli]

how I look at the hot dog vendor at a baseball game

[Carolina Hurricanes @Canes]

ROD THE BOD

[ヤ @MatekoBenzaX]

The vampire after I cover my entire body with garlic except my meat

[Carolina Hurricanes @Canes]

The smartest man in hockey

[Carolina Hurricanes @Canes]

Twenty years later. Just as iconic.

[Rob Gucci @heatdaddy69420]

This Donald Trump and Dana white walkout is insane it looks like they’re walking to an alter to get married and kiss. I don’t know how gay guys get married do they both walk at the same time like that? Or does the more straighter gay guy walk out first. Genuinely asking

[High Yield Harry @HighyieldHarry]

Inspiring.

This young man came to America with no hair and zero bitches.

Now he has a full head of hair and 55 children.

[Scott Eisberg @SEisbergWCIV]

Think this is a high pressure situation for Carolina Hurricanes goalie Brandon Bussi in the Stanley Cup Finals?

The guy had to handle lunchtime crowds when the guac was running low. Needing to get the chicken on the grill. Pull the pork. Not let burrito break.

He’s good.

[Carolina Hurricanes @Canes]

HE'S MAKING ALL THE STOPS

[B/R Open Ice @BR_OpenIce]

Undrafted.
111 AHL Games.
3 Different Organizations.
Waivers.

Oh and 31 regular season wins, fastest goalie to 11 wins, and a winning start in the Stanley Cup Final for Brandon Bussi 🔥

[seth jarvis’ law attorney IS A WINNER @brqcedes]

canes locker room view during intermission

[Vic Damone Jr @wholesomefoxx]

They’re all reading from the same script

[Gizmo 🏳️‍⚧️ 🇵🇸 @basedgizmo]

@Variety How many variations of "it's here now so we might as well accept it" do we need to read from celebrities chasing a bag?

[JP @jpbrammer]

the phrase "lipstick on a pig" has always inspired a deep sadness in me. I think of the pig, looking forward to her big night out, and I bring myself to the verge of tears.