i tend to step back. Because constantly making sure that we're on good terms is exhausting. Always making sure that i am keeping them entertained is burdening. Convincing them that i am good enough to be a part of their life is humiliating.
This Thursday when i suddenly woke up at 3 a.m. I held my phone in my half-asleep state & wrote in my notes app - "one thing that becomes easier with growing up is our ability to let people go." I wrote this sentence, and then i went back to bed again & slept.
For a good period, i did lots of things that'd bring our old connection back. But with time, i realised that there's a difference between forcing a connection & letting it come naturally. So now, whenever i reach a stage where i feel like i have to force my relationship with them
And while it hurts to accept that life goes on without the person you thought you would spend forever with, it's a lesson we all have to learn eventually.
I know you had your reasons, and I've come to understand them, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. The truth is, sometimes love just isn't enough to make someone stay, no matter how much you want them to.
I detest the unreasonable anger I end up feeling toward my life. I dislike the amount of irrationality my mind is capable of exploring. I dislike this vast space I end up creating for all this self-doubt. But more than anything else, I am unable to cry & let this headache go.
Nothing in life is bad at this moment. Instead, it is tough. It seems unmanageable. It appears to be all over the place. And I feel like a helpless child with no clue about life & its working. I’m certain, after some days, I will be able to manage everything.
I do not like how this helpless state of my mind always ends up highlighting all of my blemishes. I do not like how all my fears tend to get the spotlight. I am unable to bear the way all this unknown bitterness erupts out of me.