juan valdez

i do stuff. really, i do. i'm writing a twitter bio right now. that counts as something.

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

The only thing these #GOP #cowards know about shooting guns is photoshoots...losers

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

it's 1/6, which means it's that time of year when #Q comes out of his den, and if he sees his shadow, it's one more year of #Fascism

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

I'm always hype when #Hannukah overlaps with #Christmas because I need this Xanax to last some extra days

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Contrary to what I was led to believe as a child, it is not illegal to dress in a different costume every day

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Sometimes as a grown adult with a loving family, you find yourself in the car, in the driveway, blasting a beer and Midwest emo, but you're not sad.

Maybe this was just what you were into when people called you a #sadboy

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

@NateIzNate @sidecarpat

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

I just got my #23andMe back...

Regretting spitting in the tube when I was drunk because now it says I'm 100% Irish

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

@sidecarpat Yea

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

@DickCheney420

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

I was kinda hype on Two-two-two-sday until I came in to an office full of white people. Now I understand my contrarian nature

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Everyone magically has family in West Pennsylvania when the #Steelers make it into the playoffs. Buncha wannabe #yinzer bandwagon riders

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

@MetrographNYC c'mon, we need our Oscar Isaac

[P@ @Henchman23]

@GoSquirrels this guy works at the lumber yard across from the Diamond. He's 6'3 190 and "real fast". Give my man a tryout please #DavesDream #HaveFunn #gonuts

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

With all of these mask mandates lifted, I now feel obligated to brush my teeth in the morning.

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Every blanket is a weighted blanket if you fall asleep thinking about your mistakes

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Simpin ain't easy

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Just a heads up, there's always a secret menu at a wedding bar
#PSA

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Is it just me, or does @mattgaetz (R-FL) look like he pays money to get pissed on? Which is kind of sad to me, because you can get pissed on for free in Florida

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

@winstonhcomedy Love you jokes

[juan valdez @vlztptr]

Who the fuck is noovie, where's pikachu?