Volks

@ladygaga and I have a combined follower count of over 70 million. What a team!

[Volks @volks__]

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[Damon Hunzeker @DamonHunzeker]

You’re having a baby? Excellent choice. Good investment. Those things can last about 80 years, you know.

[DaddyJew @DaddyJew]

Cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me: I thought that was your job

[Neil Renic @NC_Renic]

No, you misunderstood, when I said I wanted feedback I meant I wanted you to compliment me a lot

[meghan @deloisivete]

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding snacks and calling me mom

[Sunk Cost Pharisee @Liamjsm]

Therapists are like, “You don’t owe anyone anything. Except me. You owe me 250 dollars for this session.”

[barrel rolls @barrel_rolls]

your honor lets leave the past behind us

[Benny 'Sensible Jeans' Rollins @citizenkawala]

The cool thing about new accounts is that you get to see all the greatest hits tweets of 2013 again.

[Lounge Fly @mrjohntofu]

Be American and lean on something.

[Saint Ange @ANGiee_Ye]

Take Ozempic until you reach your birth weight.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

I put the problem in ‘no problem.’

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

Love myself? The bitch who got me into this mess?

[Kristen @Kica333]

I bet aliens lock their doors when they fly past earth.

[Anthony Jones @proverbs_jones]

I hate when people say it's a quarter till 9pm.
Just say it's 8:75

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

Ever since I was young I wanted to check my email for a verification code

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

Called in “too sexy for my cubicle” this morning.

[Sandy @Sandy62347]

me as a detective: WHO DID THIS

[Flesh Prison Enjoyer @_theFleshPrince]

as your lawyer i think this is badass

[🌽 j. deere hoosier 🌽 @DeereJonathanxo]

pouring diet coke directly into my gunshot wound

[e l l a 🇨🇦 @blondehotcoffee]

naming my kid Sam but it’s spelt like Salm and it’s actually short for Salmon