Andrew Urban

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

New dystopia pitch: people sell their amputated limbs to billionaire foodies who want to try ethically sourced human flesh in order to pay for their medical bills.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Honestly I think everyone should get three free, no consequence, open hand slaps across the face a year to use on who they like, when they like, no questions asked. Everyone would be much more polite, especially in January.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

I need more people in my life who understand the concept of an emotional support machete.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Well this has been useful, very decisive results. I think I will just go with the usual and quietly obsess over something for months and then absolutely talk someone’s ear off the instant they show the slightest bit of interest.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Should I live tweet reading the entirety of all the LOTR/ Middle Earth books (including the histories, Tom Bombadil, The Fall of Gondolin, etc), in the universe’s chronological order, before Amazon ruins it? It’ll take a month and is an absolutely insane thing to do, but I wanna.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Today I got ads for a huge gurkha knife, medieval torch wall sconces, an obscure prop reproduction from the fifth element, and plans to turn a shipping container into a house; these things are getting way too accurate

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Does anyone want to go play laser tag? Dollar for dollar it’s the cheapest way to hunt children for sport.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

@kendibulator Nothing worth splitting peas over

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Today…while writing a cover letter…for a job I actually wanted, I had a 15 minute internal debate about if using the term “occult forces,” or “crow army,” was more professional before it occurred to me that using neither was an option.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

System of a Down spanks harder in 2022 than it did in 2003. Absolutely prophetic:

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

17: Charles Bukowski is me
25: Actually he was kind of a drunk misogynist
31: Fuck, how did I become a depressed, alcoholic, misanthropic, unemployable, failed writer in LA who loves classical music and idolizes women to fill the void where a parent’s love was supposed to go?

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Sober January is over, doing a full leaving Las Vegas February.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

I’m not saying it’s a good idea but Billy Joel has enough material for an entirely new “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” from the last two years alone.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Look I’m not saying opportunities for true decadence come often in this benighted age, but if you ever get the chance to drink blood orange mimosas, eat cake, and smoke a spliff in a jacuzzi tub filled with bubbles while listening to Enya at full volume, I’d highly recommend it

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Happy Solstice, and please enjoy civilization while it lasts.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

After years of hard work, sacrifice, and moving clear across the country I’m please to announce absolutely nothing, I have literally nothing going on.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Every day in December after the 10th is just garbage time.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

I’m the Vincent Van Gogh of Twitter, zero likes, but decades from now scholars will refer to this as my “blue period.”

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald is still the single best song about an industrial accident, all 6 1/2 minutes absolutely slap.

[Andrew Urban @wandervonurban]

Just got my boostey boi and lemme tell you, the darkness took me and I strayed away through thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life age of the earth...