MustardStain

Everything is funny when you don't take anything seriously

[Spaced @Spaced_Cowboy00]

Most of my days are spent trying to remember what happened the day before.

[Spaced @Spaced_Cowboy00]

Not to brag but I'll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

[James @jannable9]

Don't you just hate it when you get settled to watch a movie, then the person on the other side of the window changes the channel?

[James @jannable9]

Things to do before I'm 40.

Not die.

Find out what this stain on my shirt is.

[MustardStain @Whitnuts]

I would be a Justin Timberlake fan if I liked dudes who sound like their balls are the size of BB pellets.

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

You can tell anyone what you really think about them if you just wear a Bluetooth, point to your ear and roll your eyes as you say it.

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

“I love long walks in the rain!”

“Perfect! Get out of the car, bitch.”

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

Wife: It's date night!
Me: So, a movie, and... You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: ...
Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: ...
Me: ...
Him: ...
Me: ...

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

"Let him that hath understanding count the number of the breast, for it is the number of a woman; and the number is 36D."

Brovelation 13:18

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

My grandpa always tells me...

"You might as well plug me back in. You're not in the will."

[Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969]

Me: What's on TNT?
Wife: A "Dallas" rerun.
M: ABC?
W: A "Nashville" repeat.
M: CNN?
W: "Ferguson"
M: Feel like we've seen that before, too.

[Vodka TIEM ™ (powered by whiskey) @VodkaTiem]

"You always hurt the ones you love," I whisper to the pizza through my burned mouth, tears in my eyes.

[MustardStain @Whitnuts]

Oh no, don't worry, it's actually really healthy..

All this cocaine is gluten free!

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

I have a black heart tattooed on my chest so people can see the pain behind my shirtless saxophone solos.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

If you pee all over your hands, people waiting for the bathroom will just think you were too lazy to use the hand dryer.

[Little Greenis @DurtMcHurtt]

Sometimes I wish rollover minutes would stay and cuddle.