Mike Wiley

Chicago comedian/metalhead/beard cultivator. And this is my story...

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Roman numerals?! Not on my watch!

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Finally a school shooting where no innocent lives were lost.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

You are only allowed to say those kinds of things if you’re the one running for president. #tonyhinchcliffe

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

I’m not a fan of Moby Dick. I thought it was gonna be an erotic novel about a bald electronic/dance musician.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

The only reason I’d never get sexual reassignment surgery is my inability to make women cum.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

JD Vance isn’t concerned about carbon emissions. He’s worried about nocturnal emissions on his couch. #VPDebate

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

We need to eliminate nuclear weapons and invest in clean coal weapons. #VPDebate

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Deer cause over 2 million car accidents per year. If I was president I would ban them from driving.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Donald Trump is finally experiencing what it’s like for kids in school these days.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Donald Trumps first action in office is to ban pup cups.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Luckily I have a pet pufferfish, so most people don’t know how to prepare it properly. #eatingpets

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

I figured out my Halloween costume this year: Benjamin Netan-HAWK TUAH.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Just so everyone knows; I do not eat ass. I have a severe glute allergy.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

I always try and separate the art from the artist. Bernie Sanders’ paintings are shitty.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

The easiest way to learn Batman’s secret identity is to wait for him to take off his mask to unlock his IPhone.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

A person today told me they like my confidence; which I take to mean that something about me is either weird or gross and I am unaware.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

It’s the Air Show’s fault I can’t sleep. Also it’s the Water Show’s fault there is a wet spot in my bed. #Chicago #airandwatershow

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

You remember the old Band-Aid jingle. It’s a deep cut. 😁

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

The female comic that opened tonight was way funnier than me. She must be a man.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

Ok, you’ve convinced me. I’m voting for Biden.

[Mike Wiley @wikemiley]

I had a nightmare that I didn’t have any legs. It was a prosthetic dream.