furgalicious

I’m not at the beach... this is a bathtub 🙄

[Dave Portnoy @stoolpresidente]

So many casuals and liars here. The #1 goal every year is beat Ohio State.

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

[looking up at the stars]

me: makes you feel so insignificant, doesn't it?

dad: it should, you haven't done shit with your life

[paperwash© @PaperWash]

as a child my father would come home from work already drunk, he'd complain about us not having dinner ready and the house being a mess, then go to the shed and drink all night. I'd often peak inside and see him eating boston baked beans right out of the can, in this recipe I'll-

[ogmaxb @ogm4xb_]

my friends: “i’m not a hater but-”

me: “don’t worry i am”

[brent @murrman5]

[watching wife's reaction when she tastes my spaghetti sauce]
"too many raisins?"

[Jeff is Tall @JeffisTallguy]

Somebody once told me to read the first word of my last 450 tweets. Oh god it's been over a year

[trash jones @jzux]

ahh sorry i’d love to but i already have plans

[Brendan O'Hare @brendohare]

[in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys

[bunkey @chiefkeefmidi]

listening to death metal and writing "i hate her!!!" in my boy diary before tearing the page out and crying

[Sridhar Ramesh @RadishHarmers]

I'm sick and tired of my internal monologue being in Spanish, a language I do not speak and only sort of understand.

[Tanner! @kidmanscill]

Interviewer: what’s this two gap year in your resume?

Me: it was then that I was carrying you

Interviewer: what

Me: what

[$𝔩𝔞𝔭☃️ @slvppy]

don’t ask me bout no 5 year plan, i live my life day to day like i’m a cartoon character

[Moniza Hossain @moniza_hossain]

I wish we would stop fetishizing forgiveness and pay a little more attention to the healing power of incandescent rage

[Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji]

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this