Winter Corvus

Behind the mask

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

*neaura storms out of the room*
*neaura will later complain i abandoned her*

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

*neaura doesn't do girl voice, asks for reminders*
*neaura gets reminders*
*neaura gets mad at me for not reminding her enough*
*neaura doesn't do girl voice after getting reminders*
*neaura gets mad at me for her not doing girl voice*

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

You expect me to fix everything, but you won't admit you have a problem.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

threatening to call the police on me because i'm crying and emotional. nice.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

this is exhausting. i give you everything, and you don't see it. you blame me for your problems, and blame me when my efforts aren't good enough. you take no responsibility.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

God forbid I ever express anything I'm feeling. You'll immediately get angry, say I'm blaming you for everything.

You are not safe.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

Gosh she's been the most impossible person to live with... She has this imaginary persona version of herself that she thinks she is, but gods is it so far from the mark...

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

just keep ignoring me, that will solve everything

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

expressing my feelings = freaking out

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

of course I interpreted you wrong. you could never actually do something that hurt me.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

I want my life back.. I will get my life back.. I'll keep fighting for me, for my family, my children.. I won't stop, I will get through it all.. one day..

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

It's been a crazy couple of months.. I'm still alive, still fighting.. and still so much to do..

One day at a time, one step at a time, I'll get it all sorted..

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

Giving up feels so easy with everything weighing down on me.. but I refuse, no matter how slow things are moving or how endless it seems..

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

Dreams bleed reality. Reality bleeds dreams. Awake, asleep, two sides of the same coin, the lines between them blurred.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

Dysphoria. The persistent feeling of compete wrongness.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

If I don't stay VERY distracted, that "need" consumes me, I pull away from reality, I begin crying uncontrollably, I shut down... and if there's no one around to stop me, I WILL end it all. I've been stopped more than once this year. I will eventually succeed. Be prepared.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

I've talked about this before, but I don't think it's really sunk in for most of you.

I don't want to be alive.

That doesn't mean I'm going to take every opportunity I can to end my own life, but it does mean that I am exhausted being hear any longer.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

Some days, it's like a dull ache. Always there, but something that I can ignore for the sake of those around me.

Other days, it's screaming at the top of it's lungs into my soul, and I would do anything to silence it.

Most of the time, it's somewhere in the middle...

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

I never expected to live this long, which might be why I never bothered to pursue things earlier. I'm mad at myself for not knowing sooner, I'm mad at the world for not telling me sooner. I'm so angry, and infinitely sad. I will never be able to live the life I should have had.

[Winter Corvus @winter_corvus]

I'll never be the person I was meant to be. 26 years of testosterone destroying my body, currently 31 and I'm only now getting close to having surgery to fix my sex organs. My face is my most dysphoric part of me, and the money needed to correct for that will forever be too much.