Code of the Woosters

Excerpts from P.G. Wodehouse's Jeeves and Wooster series

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

I didn't like his looks. Mark you, I don't say I ever had, much. Nature, when planning this fellow, shoved in a lot more lower jaw than was absolutely necessary and made the eyes a bit too keen and piercing for one who was neither an Empire builder nor a traffic policeman.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

It was one of those jolly, peaceful mornings that make a chappie wish he'd got a soul or something.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

The curtains were drawn back and daylight was coming in through the window, and there was Jeeves standing beside me with a cup of tea on a tray.

“Merry Christmas, sir!”

I reached out a feeble hand for the restoring brew.

[PG Stoathouse @pgstoathouse]

He got after me with a hunting-crop just at the moment when I was beginning to realise that what I wanted most on earth was solitude and repose, and chased me more than a mile across difficult country.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“No, but suppose she was.”

“Well, if she was, you wouldn’t be in love with her.”

“Yes, I would, if I were a male newt.”

A slight throbbing about the temples told me that this discussion had reached saturation point.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“But you aren’t a male newt.”

“I wish I were. Do you know how a male newt proposes, Bertie? He just stands in front of the female newt vibrating his tail and bending his body in a semi-circle. I could do that on my head. No, you wouldn’t find me grousing if I were a male newt.”

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“But if you were a male newt, Madeline Bassett wouldn’t look at you. Not with the eye of love, I mean.”

“She would, if she were a female newt.”

“But she isn’t a female newt.”

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

This mess-jacket was very near to my heart, and I jolly well intended to fight for it with all the vim of grand old Sieur de Wooster at the Battle of Agincourt.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

@MignonSnooker [I]t kind of damps you to come to a place where the youngest member is about eighty-seven and it isn’t considered good form to talk to anyone unless you and he were through the Peninsular War together.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“This club,” I said, “is the limit.”
“It is the eel’s eyebrows,” agreed young Bingo. “I believe that old boy over by the window has been dead three days, but I don’t like to mention it to anyone.”

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“No, I say.⁠ ⁠…”

“Bertie, we were at school together.”

“Oh, right-o! Right-o!” I said.

“I knew I could rely on you. You have a heart of gold. Jeeves,” said young Bingo, as the faithful servitor rolled in, “Mr. Wooster has a heart of gold.”

“Very good, sir,” said Jeeves.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“Hallo, Bertie, old thing,” said Claude. “Jolly decent of you to put us up.”
“Oh, no,” I said. “Only wish you were staying a good long time.”
“Hear that, Eustace? He wishes we were staying a good long time.”
“I expect it will seem a good long time,” said Eustace, philosophically.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“Good Lord, Jeeves! Is there anything you don’t know?”
“I could not say, sir.”

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

"What is an Irish water-spaniel?"

"A water-spaniel of a variety bred in Ireland, sir."

"You think so?"

"Yes, sir."

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

His was a bright purple number with yellow frogs, and I am not deceiving my public when I say that it smote me like a blow, rendering me speechless.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

For some reason not easy to explain it nearly always happens that the smaller the ex-magistrate, the louder the dressing-gown.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

I goggled at the man.

“Egad, Jeeves!”

“Yes, sir.”

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

“Good morning, good morning,” I said. “I want a book.”

Of course, I ought to have known that it’s silly to try to
buy a book when you go to a book shop. It merely startles and bewilders the inmates.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

The swan goes into a bush and starts trying to unscramble itself; and you saunter back to your boat, taking with you any friends who may happen at the moment to be sitting on roofs in the vicinity. That was Jeeves’s method, and I cannot see how it could have been improved upon.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

Every young man starting life ought to know how to cope with an angry swan, so I will briefly relate the proper procedure.

[Code of the Woosters @wodehousetweets]

You start by picking up the raincoat which somebody has dropped; and then, judging the distance to a nicety, you simply shove the raincoat over the bird’s head; and, taking the boat-hook which you have prudently brought with you, you insert it underneath the swan and heave.