Kelli Massey

Chicago base Comedian

They/them

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Me: I should actually cook dinner tonight instead of microwaving a burrito again.

The El Monterey bean and cheese microwave burritos: 👁👄👁

Me: okay.... you got me! *opens microwave*

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Cole's latest problematic statement: "I have an obsession with Burnettes with big eyes"

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

I need Spotify to have a feature that when the listener is listening to early 2000s pop punk and sad music on repeat their loved ones are notified

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Me: I should actually cook dinner tonight instead of microwaving a burrito again.

The El Monterey bean and cheese microwave burritos: 👁👄👁

Me: okay.... you got me! *opens microwave*

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

I'm not saying I'm
⭐🧚‍♀️🎠🎡QUIRKY🦦🪁💫⭐ but my cat and I do have the same eye color.... so......

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Are pizza rolls just mini calzones?

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

@ValiantComics @SonyPictures I'm just saying if you still need someone to play Faith Herbert in an upcoming moving I just graduated with an Acting Degree and am a huge Faith fan...

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

I'm rewatching Parks and Rec for the 3rd time this quaintine, incase anyone was wondering how I am doing #parksandrecreation #QuarantineLife

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Do you ever look at the entire cast of SNL and go "who is attractive to me?" Then realize you're only attracted to the women and *sometimes* Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney? Asking for a friend?

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Sam and Cat from Sam and Cat are gay and you can't tell me otherwise.

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

At what point does a bit go to far?

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Ron Stoppable is my ideal man. I want to marry Ron Stoppable.

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

The semester hasn't even started and I'm already 15 minutes late to work! Let's go last semester!

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

Do you ever look at the sky and think "Yeah, that's fake."

[Kelli Massey @word_vomit360]

I made a Twitter because I talk to myself too much and people need to hear how funny I am! #comedygold #whatamidoing #howdoyoutwitter