shit my husband says

Just a newly married couple trying to navigate life and all it's craziness together.

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

*making breakfast*
Me: How would you like your eggs?
H: unfertilized
Me: what?
H: what?
#shitmyhusbandsays

[Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman]

Also how about "our hearts are broken for our friends in the U.K." Maybe start with that. I want 2 laser pointer ur boobs &ass so bad rt now https://t.co/9sL8jgCMEs

[lena headey @IAMLenaHeadey]

ONELOVEONELOVEONELOVEONELOVEONELOVEONELOVEONELOVEONELOVEONELOVE. I stand with Manchester ❤️

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

The cat didn't know fear until the baby started to crawl...
#shitmyhusbandsays
#lamehorrormovies
#Parenthood

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

Should be more upset by my husband telling me to go take a nap 'cause I'm grumpy, but I'm getting a nap outa the deal...
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

M: I'm not excited about the interview the stuff isn't really my style
H: what, hip?
#shitmyhusbandsays
#Notcool
#gettingold

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

My husband just shouted "fat buddies for life" and belly bumped me....
#shitmyhusbandsays
#lovehim
#anyways

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

I'll clean up the banana if you get the poo...
#shitmyhusbandsays
#tradesgonewrong
#ididntfallforit

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

Me: *burp*
Husband: oo good burp
Me:...did you just praise me for burping like you do our son?
Husband:....
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

Ever notice how the baby looks like a weiner dog when he sleeps?
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

Me: I finally got the baby to take a bottle!
Husband: I see you baby, drinking that wine, drinking that wine
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

I better shave I have a lunch date with Dan!
#shitmyhusbandsays
#Bromance
#firsttimehesshavedallweek

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

H: Yay we burped!
Me: we?
H: me and the baby just burped
M: ......
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

*watching James Bond*
I'm not gay but some of those lines are so smooth they would work on me.
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

H: I'll see your poop on your hands and raise you a sneeze in the mouth
Me: remember when we had adult conversations?
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

H: jump, jump, jump around
Me: jump up jump up and get down
H: I love us
#shitmyhusbandsays

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

*making fun of the cat*
Everything the light touches is mine. Especially the dark shadowy places!
#shitmyhusbandsays
#lionking
#catlife

[Sarah Silverman @SarahKSilverman]

Ya you know, those hippy libtards over at NASA https://t.co/ctWyagHHcq

[Justin Trudeau @JustinTrudeau]

To those fleeing persecution, terror & war, Canadians will welcome you, regardless of your faith. Diversity is our strength #WelcomeToCanada

[shit my husband says @xo_married]

Hey guys #BellLetsTalk mental health affects us all, take the time today to let people know you're here for them and that they're not alone!