Zoe Schwab

Comedy writer (McSweeney's, Reductress, Above Average) | Chief Counsel (Legal Seafoods)

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

nobody tells you that you’ll be wearing screenprinted asics when you die

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

“I’m a size 7.”
“You’re a size 8. And your knees are unstable.”

- me getting absolutely torched by this gen z sneaker salesman

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

Fellow TV writers! After writing only comedies, I’m dipping my toes into the world of drama. Anyone have recs for books about writing a 60-min pilot?

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

In her rush to get home before sundown, Devorah drops a Dr. Brown's soda. It rolls away, stopping in the shadow of a tall, sinister man: the GOY IN BLACK. He picks up the can and hands it to her.

DEVORAH: Oy vey, I'm such a klutz! (Beat) You ever been to a robot bris, bubbeleh?

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

The only way Westworld can redeem itself as a show is to introduce a new theme park called Wurstworld and let Mel Brooks just take it from there.

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

They can use the same exact loops. Here's what I'm thinking:

EXT. WURSTWORLD - SHABBAT

DEVORAH ABERNATHBERG exits a kosher deli, arms full of pastrami. The faint whisper of klezmer music wafts over from the Manischewitz Saloon.

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

@JaytotheTee CONGRATS, Jonterri!!! 🎉

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

Anyway I don’t have much faith in any of these institutional Dems to do anything other than what they think is politically expedient for themselves, but maybe we can let them know it’s not as expedient as they think. At the very least you can let off some steam in a vm.

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

This is unacceptable. NYers, call @SenSchumer’s office & let him know we aren’t sleeping on this & that he must do everything within his power to stop Biden from nominating this human rubber nipple.

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

liiiiiiiiiiike

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

For reasons I can but won’t explain, I read the Counterpart pilot script. So without further ado, here are the first few pages of my new show UNTITLED MALE COLD WAR SPY FANTASY. Feedback welcome.

[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez @AOC]

Here’s how Dems can + must do more than wait for an election.

Let’s start w/ why:

- 7 of the 9 justices were appointed by a party that hasn’t won a popular vote more than once in 30 years

- 1 of those seats was stolen

- Several lied to Congress to secure their appointment…

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

@leighcesiro NOW we’re talking. At first I was wondering how we’d get them to sign. Would hate to sink to threats or bribery. But THEN I thought: does it HAVE to be THEM?? what if we got a celebrity to do it?? I’m thinking we go big, like maybe faith hill or suri cruise

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

Has anyone tried stealing their gavels or robes yet? It’s gotta be BOTH or else this plan WON’T WORK. hear me out:

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

@leighcesiro We are ALL about cheap strategy here. Just spitballing but we could auction off the robes and gavels and actually turn a PROFIT. I’ve looked and these things go for millions. If eveything goes well, we might even be able to buy the Supreme Court building

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

If you have proof this plan won’t work, would honestly love to hear it but please do so in good faith. Looking to be PRODUCTIVE here thank you 🙏 😇

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

But naked AND ungavelled??? Nobody does ANYTHING that way. NOBODY. Don’t believe me?? Im naked and just threw out my gavel. And I’m writing this. Like I said. DOING. NOTHING.

[Zoe Schwab @zoemschwab]

thinking I should just cancel my non-crying marathon. these reschedules are getting ridiculous.