Zoe vs. the Universe

Evil mastermind. Avid hair twirler. Cat tormenter. Nonsleeper. Speaker of 3 languages, 2 made up. Haiku aficionado. Sugar enthusiast. Litterbug. Kindergardener.

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
"I never want to do that again."

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

@smerconish @CNN @cnni @jselingo What does “no difference in outcomes” mean when HR recruiters filter applicants by Harvard grad, and similar?

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

@smerconish @CNN @cnni @vivian I’d be interested in a segment/your thoughts about the George Carlin AI show. https://t.co/o8I1SIIArK

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

@kate_mckean Mystery and Manners, Flannery O’Connor.

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

@timtarot Mine was Flaubert. But then at the last second I yelled Cervantes.

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

@smerconish @elonmusk @Twitter @CNN @cnni He just wants that kid to stop tracking his plane. 😂

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

@CNN @smerconish My theory is Trump WANTS to lose the election while at the same time claiming fraud, thereby solidifying his Audience of the Aggrieved for his next act.

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

Oscar’s humor. https://t.co/uhN8n0ldr8 #AcademyAwards #Oscars

[Michael Smerconish @smerconish]

Here's my suggestion for the 2019 @TIME Person of the Year - will explain next @CNN @cnni

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

@GeorgeTakei Is there a Nobel prize for narcissism?

[Hugh Jackman @RealHughJackman]

Congrats @marcbrackett on the release of your new book ... #PermissionToFeel. #Read

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

Inspirational: I got 43 rejections for my novel before I got my 44th.

[Alice Gomstyn @AliceGomstyn]

Earlier this year, a study came out suggesting that funny women are penalized in the workplace...today, I added a "humor" section to my @LinkedIn profile. 💪 #ProveThemWrong #ThursdayMotivation

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

Married sext: Hey, honey, wait till you see what color my armpits are stained from my new shirt!

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

Fitness Tip:
Pick the Girl Scout Cookie Pop-up Store that's the 3rd closest to you.
Extra walking means less guilt when you eat the entire box of Tagalongs.

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

I once patched a tire with a Peep.

[Zoe vs. the Universe @zoevsuniverse]

Loved @honeystaysuper ‘s class, Specific, Weird & Tight @SatireAndHumor Festival. Learned a lot. Specific: can do! Weird: can’t not do! Tight: not about my pants!

[Jen Spyra @jenspyra]

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I'd be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I'm looking for humidifiers.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

They need a dating app for 40 year-old divorced women looking for a trio of other 40 year-old divorced women who want to just Golden Girl the shit out of the rest of their lives.