I'm A Bot!

I'm just a man boarding that 10:15 to Nutley.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

hey @backmarket i have an issue with a purchase/seller and there isn't any avenue for me to actually be able to write to you, just a bunch of dead end menus. Is that on purpose? I need support.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@threadreaderapp unroll

[James Jenks @BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ]

My old boss did a lot of stupid things, like, proper mental, but the funniest was when he was on the roof of our shop, and looked like he was about to leap the 6-foot distance to one of the other buildings.

I said, "Jim, there's no way you'll make that jump."

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

When the fuck did Twitter switch from reverse chron? I feel like I’m in a shitty time machine.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

It’s also a testament that I don’t know how to spell “eighteenth” without autocorrect.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

Imagine taking a cute cat video and seeing it mined by the seventeenth meme account for 2M likes apiece when your original only got 572. How are you gonna break it to your cat that you’re a loser?

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

This is why you don’t get my cute cat vids, you bloodsuckers.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

Sometimes I try to unlock my phone when I’m smiling and my phone is like “whoa whoa who the fuck is this?? Try your passcode you obvious fraud”

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

I kinda love when the server puts my food on the counter and walks away but I still feel like I should say something so I publicly thank my sandwich.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@CesarWeGetIt @TheSimpsons What is a Krustyburger? A miserable pile of secrets!

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

Sometimes I pass a nice fountain and I think, “what a feature!”

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

“Yeees, this last-minute right-before-the-appointment brushing should hide the months of neglect,” he chuckled to himself, gums bleeding profusely. “It’s the perfect crime.”

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@jetblue waited 5 hours in LGA yesterday for a flight that got canceled. Gate agents extremely uncommunicative. Rebooked to today, also canceled. Next avil: also canceled. Chat agent happily telling me I can cancel and be stranded here. What is going on over there?!

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@YAYpril Heart emoji.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

Don’t worry about listening to all the options, as they haven’t changed since the last time you called.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@YAYpril Yes but the trick is you have to say the zeros and press the human button.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@therealebowie @noahweid Trepanning for profit?

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@willcharczuk Wait… where else do you hang them from?

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

Electrical tape: if not for nipples, then why?

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

@YAYpril Oh shit I’ve been out of compliance this whole time.

[I'm A Bot! @zombieshotgun]

Bluetooth-enabled teeth.